Goodbye

KiradaweaKiradawea Member Posts: 1,750 Transcendent
edited May 2017 in The Real World
Today is a good day for me. It's the day I'm finally quitting Lusternia.

You ever had the feeling of being alone in a crowd? That's what I feel like every single day in this place. And I hate it. There's dozens of people I end up interacting with, but only one that seems to be genuinely happy to see me. And I don't like that. I don't want that. I don't want to play in a game where I feel with certainty that people don't want me around. I have no energy to try and interject myself in any society where I'm actively and passively excluded.

Because it takes a whole lot of energy. To just sit and stare at the desktop shortcut, heart pounding a mile a minute. Torn between feeling a responsibility to do my best, and the crushing realization that it really is all for nothing.

I'm used to being unwanted. I could endure it for the intriguing and exciting world that is Lusternia. If all I did was log in, explore the world and log out, it'd be fine. But, fool that I am, I try to connect. And that's where I time and time again inevitably fail. If I'd just stopped logging in, no one would notice or care. I've been part of this community for years and yet all I am and can aspire to be is a glorified encyclopedia.

And perhaps that is my greatest flaw. I spend so much time looking up information for pretty much everything I do. Which sets me up to fail and all hard, because I put so much energy into something people won't even care about. And that leaves me to be not a person, but some thing that you can poke when you need answers, or someone to antagonize or who knows what, and otherwise ignore.

This isn't something new. My original plan was honestly to call it quits after the Institute ended. It'd be a nice closure. A reasonable time to retire, and I figured I'd be useful in the closing process what with my long history in the guild. None of the new guilds spoke to me. Like so many times before there was no real room anywhere for me. Stupidly I listened when someone pretended my ideas were wanted and needed. Ignoring the fact that it's insane. That I'm insane. Doing the same thing again and expecting a different result. There can't ever be a time where I put myself out there and receive nothing but... but scorn or mistrust or demeaning snideness.

When I first set out to write this I was at first going to just speak in terms generic and broad. But the more I write, the angrier I get, because I keep recalling instance after instance of being used and ignored. And when you're as embittered as I am, it's nauseating listening in on guild conversations about "support" when the whole damn city is a cesspool of family politics and elitism. Pointless etiquette without a shred of genuine interest for other people. I suppose that is the Hallifaxian way.

But now it's finally over. I've won my freedom and once I finish with this post I'll be able to turn my attention to work people will actually appreciate.

I'm writing this mostly to give myself some kind of closure. There's probaby gonna be a whole lot of internet tough guy sass, which makes me wonder who you'll even write it for. I ain't gonna see it. Returning here would be counter to what I'm trying to do. Which is to leave it all behind. There'll be no more false friends. No more harassment. No more reminders that no matter what I do, I will never be liked, never be more than a passing thought and scorn.

I always had this strong desire that one day I'd do something so great, it'll always be remembered. A futile hope if there ever was one I'm sure.

At this point I'm rambling. So I'm going to end this on as positive a note as I can.

Thank you @Vivet. Out of everyone in Lusternia, you're the only one I can think of who has always made me feel wanted. That is a very rare feeling for me, and I am going to miss it. Please take care of yourself, and I hope to see you on Smite.

And thank you @Orventa. I've had a lot of fun in our interactions. I wish you the best of luck wherever the future takes you.

Farewell

Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Comments

  • FylerFyler Member Posts: 598 Mythical
    Known Aliases: Celina/Cyndarin/Fire Jesus/The Night/That Bitch who griefed us
  • OrdassaOrdassa Member Posts: 337 Master
    I don't know but it always seems so hard to connect IG. I mean what to say? tea/booze/socialite RP gets OLD really quickly. same with philosophy discussions (that just end up going in circles). Good writers are hard to come by.

    @Kiradawea I wish you well. I never did get to know you well. :(
  • OrventaOrventa Member Posts: 584 Mythical
    @Kiradawea&nbsp; :'( Love you always Kira <3<3<3

    Also, Turilira + Jeanne OTP forever.

    Sorry I couldn't be as present as much as I'd liked for RP and such, and you will always be an inspiration to me as a roleplayer. Truly.


    I'm a consent-based roleplayer! Kindly ask first, and I will return the favour. Open to developing tinyplots.
    Atlantis is my client of choice! (Guide)
  • ArixArix Member Posts: 1,375 Mythical
    Good luck, I don't think we interacted much outside of random conversations and unfortunate name mixups, but I know how hard it is sometimes to get RP going on your own terms, and I hope you find somewhere new to keep you entertained
  • ShaddusShaddus , the Leper Messiah Outside your window.Member Posts: 8,152 Transcendent
    I always thought we got along on several characters including Pesukaru, but ok. I hope your life starts going better. 
    Everiine said: The reason population is low isn't because there are too many orgs. It's because so many facets of the game are outright broken and protected by those who benefit from it being that way. An overabundance of gimmicks (including game-breaking ones), artifacts that destroy any concept of balance, blatant pay-to-win features, and an obsession with convenience that makes few things actually worthwhile all contribute to the game's sad decline.
  • VivetVivet , of Cows and Crystals Member Posts: 2,223 Transcendent
    Not sure if you'll be reading over this topic again ever, but I did send along a PM.
  • OtheroOthero Member Posts: 832 Virtuoso
    Yo, I don't play Lusternia that much anymore (I'm just here for the mafia and because I've still got a lot of Lusternia friends) but you always seemed cool and I hope you're taking care of yourself. This reads less like someone doing something for themselves and more like someone who's pushing people away before they can "be hurt". Sorry if I'm wrong.
  • SaranSaran Member Posts: 2,216 Transcendent
    It's a thing that happens to a lot of people, especially right now. Hopefully this post helps @Kiradawea and also prompts some self-reflection among the playerbase.
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  • SkanyllaSkanylla Member Posts: 97 Capable
    Believe it or not, i can totally feel you. I went through the same thing on my first IRE mud that was Imperian. Only two people in the entire game were genuinely excited to see me. Apart from the demon empress Esmyrsia if we count gods as well. I felt like i was missing out on something because everyone else seemed to be enjoying the immersion and i just couldn't grasp it and frankly no one cared that i could not.
  • TremulaTremula Banished Quasiroyal Member Posts: 2,645 Transcendent
    I've felt so much of this, and if it weren't for my tiny bastion of support I've built up over the years, I'd have retired or just stopped altogether. You were always fun to be around, Kira, and I used to think Jeanne was a good controlled mob with how well you write and play. You likely won't see this, but I thought you were one of the best people to see walking around Halli. I'm sorry for all the times I confused you and Kialkarkea, and hope you find your solace. I'll remember you. <3
                          * * * WRACK AND ROLL AND DEATH AND PAIN * * *
                                         * * * LET'S FEEL THE FEAR OF DEATH AGAIN * * *
              * * * WE'LL KILL AND SLAUGHTER, EAT THE SLAIN * * *
      * * * IN RAVAGING WE'LL ENTERTAIN * * *

    Ixion tells you, "// I don't think anyone else had a clue, amazing form."
  • KerithKerith Member Posts: 267 Gifted
    @Kiradawea Never got to RP with you but man I sure can relate to your post. I came here mainly for designing/crafting system, but quickly let myself get sidetracked into interacting and then got sucked into the mindset of trying belong and connect... should've known better. I don't want my character to be forever unplayable just because some jerks with 14-year-old mentalities want to feel like big fish in a tiny pond, but the fact is they dominate almost every aspect of the game so it's pretty hard to ignore. I waver between that determination to keep doing what I originally came here for, and saying forget it and not bothering anymore.

    @Taer is absolutely right. Unfortunately, it will never change as long as the game's model is the way it is. And I can't see it changing for the better.

    I hadn't planned to say anything but seeing the stuff @Lavinya etc have been saying lately, I realize there's probably a lot more people feeling this way than we know because they keep it quiet. So I'm sure I'm inviting more trolling by saying anything but screw it, I want to show solidarity to anyone feeling this way. For whatever that's worth.
  • OtheroOthero Member Posts: 832 Virtuoso
    That really sucks, sorry. Though it sounds like there are more of you on the receiving end of things. As someone who's been in similar situations I'm sorry. 
  • AnnickAnnick Member Posts: 245 Adept
    i have so much to say 
  • SaranSaran Member Posts: 2,216 Transcendent
    Just another thing, ooc bullying and stuff is easy to spot but also your roleplay is not more important than someone else's mental health.

    If your characters can't avoid interacting and you've been told, by them or another, that your IC actions are triggering them then you need to adjust your character.

    Like sure, sometimes it happens unintentionally, but it's your choice if you ignore it.
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