Today is a good day for me. It's the day I'm finally quitting Lusternia.
ever had the feeling of being alone in a crowd? That's what I feel like
every single day in this place. And I hate it. There's dozens of people
I end up interacting with, but only one that seems to be genuinely
happy to see me. And I don't like that. I don't want that. I don't want
to play in a game where I feel with certainty that people don't want me
around. I have no energy to try and interject myself in any society
where I'm actively and passively excluded.
Because it takes a
whole lot of energy. To just sit and stare at the desktop shortcut,
heart pounding a mile a minute. Torn between feeling a responsibility to
do my best, and the crushing realization that it really is all for
I'm used to being unwanted. I could endure it for the
intriguing and exciting world that is Lusternia. If all I did was log
in, explore the world and log out, it'd be fine. But, fool that I am, I
try to connect. And that's where I time and time again inevitably fail.
If I'd just stopped logging in, no one would notice or care. I've been
part of this community for years and yet all I am and can aspire to be
is a glorified encyclopedia.
And perhaps that is my greatest
flaw. I spend so much time looking up information for pretty much
everything I do. Which sets me up to fail and all hard, because I put so
much energy into something people won't even care about. And that
leaves me to be not a person, but some thing
that you can poke when you need answers, or someone to antagonize or who knows what, and otherwise ignore.
isn't something new. My original plan was honestly to call it quits
after the Institute ended. It'd be a nice closure. A reasonable time to
retire, and I figured I'd be useful in the closing process what with my
long history in the guild. None of the new guilds spoke to me. Like so
many times before there was no real room anywhere for me. Stupidly I
listened when someone pretended my ideas were wanted and needed.
Ignoring the fact that it's insane. That I'm insane. Doing the same
thing again and expecting a different result. There can't ever be a time
where I put myself out there and receive nothing but... but scorn or
mistrust or demeaning snideness.
When I first set out to write
this I was at first going to just speak in terms generic and broad. But
the more I write, the angrier I get, because I keep recalling instance
after instance of being used and ignored. And when you're as embittered
as I am, it's nauseating listening in on guild conversations about
"support" when the whole damn city is a cesspool of family politics and
elitism. Pointless etiquette without a shred of genuine interest for
other people. I suppose that is the Hallifaxian way.
But now it's
finally over. I've won my freedom and once I finish with this post I'll
be able to turn my attention to work people will actually appreciate.
writing this mostly to give myself some kind of closure. There's
probaby gonna be a whole lot of internet tough guy sass, which makes me
wonder who you'll even write it for. I ain't gonna see it. Returning
here would be counter to what I'm trying to do. Which is to leave it all
behind. There'll be no more false friends. No more harassment. No more
reminders that no matter what I do, I will never be liked, never be more
than a passing thought and scorn.
I always had this strong
desire that one day I'd do something so great, it'll always be
remembered. A futile hope if there ever was one I'm sure.
At this point I'm rambling. So I'm going to end this on as positive a note as I can.
. Out of everyone in Lusternia, you're the only one I can
think of who has always made me feel wanted. That is a very rare feeling
for me, and I am going to miss it. Please take care of yourself, and I
hope to see you on Smite.
And thank you @Orventa
. I've had a lot of fun in our interactions. I wish you the best of luck wherever the future takes you.
Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.