Stuff is hard sometimes.

So this is a post. I'm not sure what it is about just yet.


Glomdoring has gone through some pretty rough few days and weeks. I suppose this post's audience was really intended to be Glomdoring. But you people read on if you like giant walls of text. :)


I know, in theory, that things being the way they are is not entirely (or in some cases, remotely) my fault. Sometimes, I want to throw bricks at people's faces and tell them to speak up, or shut up, or do, or stop doing. But at the end of the day, the CL is charged with being the ultimate mediator -- and I struggle to see that I can do/am doing/have done that.


Today was pretty difficult for me to roleplay. Even though the Court (including Ministers) was unanimous in what it did, still, there were people who challenged it, and laid responsibility at my feet and not the rest of the Court. Whether publicly or not so publicly, it happened, both in and out of character. I heard a good deal of it.


The in character stuff I can usually handle, because I know it's not directed at me as a person (hi, my name is Jessica), but at the character that I play. And that's fine. I love drama. I know she generates it at times. But on an out of character front, I'd like to clear something up:


My character may hate you, but I do not. At all.


I've met a good dozen or so of you in person. I know a lot of you OOCly through Facebook and Skype. I really hope no one has any sense that I am someone who is full of hatred and OOC retribution.


I sometimes find it hard to play my character. Today, after some heavy rp with Eliron, and even heavier stuff that I had to dole out in the commune, it got to the point where I couldn't be Svorai anymore. I had to log off. Not because of what was happening, but because of all the arguing to and fro in and (especially) out of character, and my inner harmoniser couldn't deal. I like to think it's because I had woken up only minutes before logging in, and hadn't had breakfast yet.


So why play her? She's a character I draw a lot of strength from, whose philosophies have helped me in my own life (not the baby killing part, geez). Svorai helped me become a person again, after a seven-year abusive relationship. She helped me learn to communicate with people and empathise with them, through her I was able to write more than two sentences (and now some people wish I didn't write so much... hello giant post). I was so shy, broken, and not confident at all. I couldn't look people in the eye. I had no opinion to speak of. Through her I learned that I could be my own person, that I could, in my real life, pursue the things that I wanted, that I could be confident in my own skin.


Unfortunately this year, that hasn't always been true. 


I haven't been online anywhere near as often as I used to be. It's not because I haven't wanted to play, or do the things I've needed to do, but because I simply couldn't. For those who don't know, and that's a few people because it's hard for me to speak about this openly: I have been suicidal for about seven months. There, I said it. I struggle with depression.


It's not to do with anyone or anything in particular, except relapsing to that old mindset of 'you are worthless', 'you will never be anything', 'all you do is hurt', 'people would be better without you there', etc. Nothing to do with the game, nothing to do with the people in my life, but everything to do with how I think of myself. I want that to change.


I am acutely aware that I am not the only Lusternian who goes through the same, or worse, every day. It's staggering to realise just how many of us there are. But importantly, some of these people are my close friends, and to see them struggle and fight has given me courage and determination to do the same. 


My absence has been because I've been trying a number of different medications, and doing my best to accept that I do need it, to try and remember that the medication is not me, but it allows me space to breathe so I can build myself up again. Blah. Enough on that.


That's why I haven't been here. It's why I will be here. To those who fight with me: one day I hope you see how beautiful you are in everyone's else's eyes, and know it to be true. To those who have been supportive: you do not know what kinds of heros you are, thank you.


The point I think I wanted to make was two-fold:


1. I know that each person has a vested interest in their characters, and that they mean something to them. Please know that I never set out to destroy that, and I am really sorry to those who have been negatively impacted OOCly, instead of fuelled ICly, by any interactions I've had with characters. Things may seem bleak, but they are not. They really aren't. I see a lot of people with a lot of opinions not seeing the mess of lines for the greater picture. For all its politicking, we play Lusternia because we want to part of something meaningful *with other people*. We all want to have an effect on people. If we didn't, we wouldn't be a community. I try always to take each criticism and snarky rp comment as an opportunity to develop my character and those around her. I try. I don't always get it right. Just know that I know how much your character and their story means to you. Let's be conscious of that.


2. I know that people have lives that are complex and difficult and for whatever reason, often do impact our little fantasy world. I'm grateful to everyone who has been sensitive about that with me. I mean that... people have been kind and supportive OOC, which I have desperately needed (I still do) -- not that they've allowed this knowledge to influence their IC actions. I always hope to acknowledge that 'stuff comes up' -- whether that's babies crying, assignments to finish, work pressures, illness and emergencies -- and support you OOCly, and tactfully delay things ICly if necessary. I guess in saying this, what I really want is for people to consider how their words affect one another. That we don't tell each other how much we appreciate interactions, but also the friendship we have. I haven't done enough of that.


This isn't a cry for help, or a plea to be less attacky. This is what it is. Me being honest, and saying what I think. Stuff will be okay.


I'm not really cool with saying so many personal words, but I needed to say them, maybe? If this upsets people, or is against forum policy, please delete it.


So. Back to stuff.


Bring that drama, b#@*hes.

Comments

  • MunsiaMunsia The Supreme Goddess
    So what'd your council decide on?
  • MunsiaMunsia The Supreme Goddess
    I still wanna know the topic of the big decision of whatever. 
  • CyndarinCyndarin used Flamethrower! It was super effective.

    I was trying to be insightful and helpful, but I'm bad at it so I will simply seocnd Karlach's sentiment:

     

    <3

    image
  • For what it's worth, Svo, I think that you are an amazing person. We may disagree, but you have always been someone that I have looked up to in and out of game. I know that I haven't always shown it, sometimes I have been frustrated or simply not communicative enough. That is my own failing, one that I really would like to improve. But you have helped influence my character, and by extension myself as a player. I truly do appreciate everything that you have done so far, and our interactions. I hope that I can be there for you in return, when you need a friend.



  • MunsiaMunsia The Supreme Goddess
    None of this is an explanation. 
  • SilvanusSilvanus The Sparrowhawk
    Magdrama comes with logs of angst and opinions from all seats in the peanut gallery.

    This isn't even drama!
    2014/04/19 01:38:01 - Leolamins drained 2000000 power to raise Silvanus as a Vernal Ascendant.
    2014/07/23 05:01:29 - Silvanus drained 2000000 power to raise Munsia as a Vernal Ascendant.
    2015/05/24 06:03:07 - Silvanus drained 2000000 power to raise Arimisia as a Vernal Ascendant.
    2015/05/24 06:03:58 - Silvanus drained 2000000 power to raise Lavinya as a Vernal Ascendant.
  • CyndarinCyndarin used Flamethrower! It was super effective.
    Munsia said:
    None of this is an explanation. 


    Ask in another thread. :P I'll happily share but this is not the place!

    image
  • MunsiaMunsia The Supreme Goddess
    edited June 2014
    This is the place, she mentioned it! I wanted background on the story
  • ElanorwenElanorwen The White Falconess
    I know I'm not loved around this parts... especially in the Glomdoring brigade, but... Svorai is probably the one person I miss the most from Glom. I'm sorry you have to go through those things... I definitely know the feeling. Hope it all works out in the end... and well, if you want to share a cup of tea IG and chat about old times... look me up, I'll be happy to spend some time reminiscing.
    image

    Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
  • edited June 2014
    I don't think I can put it better than the words of the Romantic known to write about his Clinical Depression.

    John Keats, Letters of John Keats:
    “Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?”
  • I've got so many messages on every possible form of communication (except telepathy, I am a little disappointed). I wonder why I kept quiet for all that time.

    Reading those, and what people have said here, made me realise I need to drink more than the recommended 2L of water a day. 

    I'm going to bookmark this for a day when I want to throw bricks again.

    Oh the dry humour is out, I'm so sorry. Let's start again:

    I love you all. Thanks for playing. Thanks for being. <3
  • SiamSiam Whispered Voice
    edited June 2014
    I want to smack a few people, frankly. <3 you Svo.
    Viravain, Lady of the Thorns shouts, "And You would seize Me? Fool! I am the Glomdoring! I am the Wyrd, and beneath the cloak of Night, the shadows of the Silent stir!"

    #bringShikariback 


  • MunsiaMunsia The Supreme Goddess
    I still wanna know what this is all about...
  • MunsiaMunsia The Supreme Goddess
    Vivet said:
    Munsia said:
    I still wanna know what this is all about...
    This isn't how Glom works. They are going to continue to be cryptic and allude to whatever without saying what it is until your head explodes.

    This is why I've always hated glom >_> 
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