Stuff is hard sometimes.

Svorai · June 2014

So this is a post. I'm not sure what it is about just yet.

Glomdoring has gone through some pretty rough few days and weeks. I suppose this post's audience was really intended to be Glomdoring. But you people read on if you like giant walls of text.

I know, in theory, that things being the way they are is not entirely (or in some cases, remotely) my fault. Sometimes, I want to throw bricks at people's faces and tell them to speak up, or shut up, or do, or stop doing. But at the end of the day, the CL is charged with being the ultimate mediator -- and I struggle to see that I can do/am doing/have done that.

Today was pretty difficult for me to roleplay. Even though the Court (including Ministers) was unanimous in what it did, still, there were people who challenged it, and laid responsibility at my feet and not the rest of the Court. Whether publicly or not so publicly, it happened, both in and out of character. I heard a good deal of it.

The in character stuff I can usually handle, because I know it's not directed at me as a person (hi, my name is Jessica), but at the character that I play. And that's fine. I love drama. I know she generates it at times. But on an out of character front, I'd like to clear something up:

My character may hate you, but I do not. At all.

I've met a good dozen or so of you in person. I know a lot of you OOCly through Facebook and Skype. I really hope no one has any sense that I am someone who is full of hatred and OOC retribution.

I sometimes find it hard to play my character. Today, after some heavy rp with Eliron, and even heavier stuff that I had to dole out in the commune, it got to the point where I couldn't be Svorai anymore. I had to log off. Not because of what was happening, but because of all the arguing to and fro in and (especially) out of character, and my inner harmoniser couldn't deal. I like to think it's because I had woken up only minutes before logging in, and hadn't had breakfast yet.

So why play her? She's a character I draw a lot of strength from, whose philosophies have helped me in my own life (not the baby killing part, geez). Svorai helped me become a person again, after a seven-year abusive relationship. She helped me learn to communicate with people and empathise with them, through her I was able to write more than two sentences (and now some people wish I didn't write so much... hello giant post). I was so shy, broken, and not confident at all. I couldn't look people in the eye. I had no opinion to speak of. Through her I learned that I could be my own person, that I could, in my real life, pursue the things that I wanted, that I could be confident in my own skin.

Unfortunately this year, that hasn't always been true.

I haven't been online anywhere near as often as I used to be. It's not because I haven't wanted to play, or do the things I've needed to do, but because I simply couldn't. For those who don't know, and that's a few people because it's hard for me to speak about this openly: I have been suicidal for about seven months. There, I said it. I struggle with depression.

It's not to do with anyone or anything in particular, except relapsing to that old mindset of 'you are worthless', 'you will never be anything', 'all you do is hurt', 'people would be better without you there', etc. Nothing to do with the game, nothing to do with the people in my life, but everything to do with how I think of myself. I want that to change.

I am acutely aware that I am not the only Lusternian who goes through the same, or worse, every day. It's staggering to realise just how many of us there are. But importantly, some of these people are my close friends, and to see them struggle and fight has given me courage and determination to do the same.

My absence has been because I've been trying a number of different medications, and doing my best to accept that I do need it, to try and remember that the medication is not me, but it allows me space to breathe so I can build myself up again. Blah. Enough on that.

That's why I haven't been here. It's why I will be here. To those who fight with me: one day I hope you see how beautiful you are in everyone's else's eyes, and know it to be true. To those who have been supportive: you do not know what kinds of heros you are, thank you.

The point I think I wanted to make was two-fold:

1. I know that each person has a vested interest in their characters, and that they mean something to them. Please know that I never set out to destroy that, and I am really sorry to those who have been negatively impacted OOCly, instead of fuelled ICly, by any interactions I've had with characters. Things may seem bleak, but they are not. They really aren't. I see a lot of people with a lot of opinions not seeing the mess of lines for the greater picture. For all its politicking, we play Lusternia because we want to part of something meaningful *with other people*. We all want to have an effect on people. If we didn't, we wouldn't be a community. I try always to take each criticism and snarky rp comment as an opportunity to develop my character and those around her. I try. I don't always get it right. Just know that I know how much your character and their story means to you. Let's be conscious of that.

2. I know that people have lives that are complex and difficult and for whatever reason, often do impact our little fantasy world. I'm grateful to everyone who has been sensitive about that with me. I mean that... people have been kind and supportive OOC, which I have desperately needed (I still do) -- not that they've allowed this knowledge to influence their IC actions. I always hope to acknowledge that 'stuff comes up' -- whether that's babies crying, assignments to finish, work pressures, illness and emergencies -- and support you OOCly, and tactfully delay things ICly if necessary. I guess in saying this, what I really want is for people to consider how their words affect one another. That we don't tell each other how much we appreciate interactions, but also the friendship we have. I haven't done enough of that.

This isn't a cry for help, or a plea to be less attacky. This is what it is. Me being honest, and saying what I think. Stuff will be okay.

I'm not really cool with saying so many personal words, but I needed to say them, maybe? If this upsets people, or is against forum policy, please delete it.

So. Back to stuff.

Bring that drama, b#@*hes.

Karlach · June 2014

Rialorm · June 2014

This too shall pass. Four powerful words that keep me hopeful, but also that keep me grounded. Both the good and bad come and go. I know it isn't always so easy to see when you are in the middle of it, but it is true. It is also a reminder to never take power or position for granted, and keep doing your best.

You're a wonderful person Svo, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You are beautiful and kind and just pleasant to be around, it was so nice meeting you (as well as all you other lovelies) in London. I hope we can have another meet soon.

To everyone: Drama is just as much an important part of RP as all the rest. Drama is difficult though, it can get too much, and unlike in the real world it is hard because you can't simply read the expressions of the other. Just do your best to gauge what the other party is thinking and remember there is a real person behind the character. And whatever you do, for goodness sake, don't go mixing IC and OOC. Therein lies the way to ruin. It's not because someone conspired against you IC that they are a horrible person IRL. Hate the character but love the player, because without them your IC life would be perfect and dull. Does it suck when people you like leave over IC conflict and join another org? Absolutely. But you have a whole org left to be friends with. Embrace the opportunity for change and to meet new people. We're all in this together. Let's just have fun with that instead.

Munsia · June 2014

So what'd your council decide on?

Xenthos · June 2014

We do

you Svo. It can be really tough organizing and leading a disparate group of individuals. There are always going to be times of hardship; it is important to not take them personally, or as something directed against you (even if someone says it is, most of the time it's simply you as "representative" or "figurehead" of whatever decision they are disagreeing with).

Being CL can be extraordinarily taxing. It is important not to dwell too much on the negatives, though at times they can seem overwhelming. In the end, you are playing a game with a group of people who care for you very much.

Tacita · June 2014

Honesty is a terrifying thing, but it is also an incredibly powerful gateway to understanding, solidarity and freedom from the prison of one's own thoughts.

Last week I was on the verge of checking myself into hospital because my depression had suddenly spiked very badly downwards. I got myself to somewhere safe and I was honest with my friends about what was happening. I got so many messages from people, a lot of which I couldn't reply to, but the one that finally got through to me was from Svorai. She told me much what she's mentioned above: that the fact that I continued to fight gave her the strength to do the same.

When I replied to her, I told her that I didn't understand why. I think now I do. This morning I felt so awful that I had to be helped to get out of bed and get dressed. When I did, I found this post, and after that I managed to make a list of all the things that were overwhelming me. I managed to go and start making lunch. I can't tell you that I feel peachy now, but I'm no longer locked in a mental prison of terror, and I'm capable of engaging with the world around me even if at a reduced capacity.

My point is this: this community is amazing. Like Svorai I wouldn't have been helped out of a lot of pits of awful without the Lusternian community (not only those in Glomdoring, but those outside it too). It has challenged me and supported me and kept me talking when I felt like hiding away. However awful I might feel right now, I wouldn't be as far along in my recovery as I am without this community, and it's one I'm proud to be a part of.

But we're not perfect, nor could we possibly hope to be. Sometimes it's damned hard to be involved in IC drama and not feel hurt on an OOC level by it. Sometimes it's even impossible. We devote so much time and care, invest so much effort and emotion in these characters that it seems only understandable that we would find it hard to separate them from us.

That is why this sort of thread is so important. It's not a giving of excuses or a waving about of praise that's just for show, or a gratuitous stroking of egos. It's a reinforcement of that which we know but can forget in the heat of things: that our community is amazing, and brilliant, and wonderful, and that despite our mistakes and imperfections we are still all of these things - in fact, we are all the more awesome for enduring the hard times. This too shall pass, and we shall be stronger for it.

Munsia · June 2014

I still wanna know the topic of the big decision of whatever.

Aeral · June 2014

Svorai.

We haven't really had much interaction but from one human being to another who also experiences depression, I truly hope things get better for you soon.

To echo Rialorm, this too shall pass.

Now for a little truth, to give you some perspective on my experience...

I have slowly inched away from Lusternia and the friendships that I have had due to my own mental illness struggles. I miss the support I once had, but at the same time I have now found support elsewhere. Last year was a horrid year with two suicide attempts, one in the spring, and after countless hospital trips I was getting better. In the fall I relapsed and that was my second attempt of the year.

Three weeks ago Thursday I found myself in hospital again and my meds were changed.

I'm doing a lot better now. One of the things I still struggle with is that I believe no one cares about me. That could be true, but I'd like to think it isn't. I'm glad that you have people who care and express that they do care.

Just when you think things won't get better, they do.

Have faith.

Cyndarin · June 2014

I was trying to be insightful and helpful, but I'm bad at it so I will simply seocnd Karlach's sentiment:

Iorwen · June 2014

For what it's worth, Svo, I think that you are an amazing person. We may disagree, but you have always been someone that I have looked up to in and out of game. I know that I haven't always shown it, sometimes I have been frustrated or simply not communicative enough. That is my own failing, one that I really would like to improve. But you have helped influence my character, and by extension myself as a player. I truly do appreciate everything that you have done so far, and our interactions. I hope that I can be there for you in return, when you need a friend.

Munsia · June 2014

None of this is an explanation.

Silvanus · June 2014

Magdrama comes with logs of angst and opinions from all seats in the peanut gallery.

This isn't even drama!

Cyndarin · June 2014

Munsia said:

None of this is an explanation.

Ask in another thread. :P I'll happily share but this is not the place!

Munsia · June 2014

This is the place, she mentioned it! I wanted background on the story

Elanorwen · June 2014

I know I'm not loved around this parts... especially in the Glomdoring brigade, but... Svorai is probably the one person I miss the most from Glom. I'm sorry you have to go through those things... I definitely know the feeling. Hope it all works out in the end... and well, if you want to share a cup of tea IG and chat about old times... look me up, I'll be happy to spend some time reminiscing.

Alik · June 2014

I've been staring at this thread for about 30 minutes now trying to figure out something to write. I'm not really known by many, especially in Glom, but I observe a lot. I've come to know that @Xenthos is actually an incredibly compassionate person who I've grown to respect a lot by just watching him. I can tell that @Tacita cares deeply for those around her and the things she loves. I came back to Lusternia because I started browsing the forums and saw that there were a select few people who were just genuinely great people. I ended up in Glomdoring, not because they're the powerhouse, but because of the people that play the characters.. I really believe that a loving community is not something that just appears, but is something that's cultivated and tended to like a garden, growing and changing, living and dying. What I've grown to adore about you, @Svorai, and people like you, is that you can create the most desirable community. A community that brings a bitter young man like me to tears because I realize for the first time in years what's important. It's not the games we play, but each other.

So after all this time staring at the screen through tear laden eyes, trying to figure out what to type, the only thing I can say is "thank you".

Edit: After posting this and re-reading it a number of times, I realize how ridiculously sappy and vulnerable I look. But I'll leave it. Because it's worth it.

Second edit: I'm laughing so hard at how emotionally involved I've gotten with the people around me. I feel so retarded.

)

Zerock · June 2014

I don't think I can put it better than the words of the Romantic known to write about his Clinical Depression.

John Keats, Letters of John Keats:
“Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?”

Svorai · June 2014

I've got so many messages on every possible form of communication (except telepathy, I am a little disappointed). I wonder why I kept quiet for all that time.

Reading those, and what people have said here, made me realise I need to drink more than the recommended 2L of water a day.

I'm going to bookmark this for a day when I want to throw bricks again.

Oh the dry humour is out, I'm so sorry. Let's start again:

I love you all. Thanks for playing. Thanks for being.

Kethaera · June 2014

@Svorai, I appreciate how hard it may have been to say all that, and I'm sorry for everything you're going through.

If I ever gave the impression that I disliked you or believed you were playing off OOC grudges, that is absolutely not the case. Honestly, one of the hardest parts of contesting was putting aside the fact that I liked you as a player- for me, it's never personal, because if it was, I wouldn't stay in Glomdoring.

Also, I think it's ridiculous anyone blames Svorai, the character, for any of the post-election drama(and some things that happened during the election), and more-so that they'd blame you as a player. You were put in a difficult situation and did the best you could with the information available, same as everyone else.

But no one's ever going to agree with you, or like you, or see things from your perspective all the time, whether in the game or real life. I say that not as any sort of criticism, rather to ask that you keep something in mind that I tell myself a lot: You are doing fine. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, and you don't have to be perfect. Do what you can, and remember the people who are on your side.

I'm not always so good at expressing my own emotions, but if you ever wanted to talk, I'm always willing to listen, cause you are so much more important than whatever happens in the game. Please take care of yourself.

Siam · June 2014

I want to smack a few people, frankly.

you Svo.

Munsia · June 2014

I still wanna know what this is all about...

Vivet · June 2014

Munsia said:

I still wanna know what this is all about...

This isn't how Glom works. They are going to continue to be cryptic and allude to whatever without saying what it is until your head explodes.

Munsia · June 2014

Vivet said:

Munsia said:

I still wanna know what this is all about...

This isn't how Glom works. They are going to continue to be cryptic and allude to whatever without saying what it is until your head explodes.

This is why I've always hated glom >_>

Eliron · June 2014

You are awesome, Svorai, IC and OOC. Even Eliron-the-character lovingly prepares the coals and chooses only the best of rakes before inviting you to tea.

And for myself, I think you have done awesome things in Glomdoring and I really enjoy having the chance to roleplay some of our harsher disagreements without ever having to worry about it going OOC. I'm looking forward to much more Svorai.

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