In Which Zvoltz is Charged with a Felony

PortiusPortius Likes big books, cannot lieMember Posts: 1,419 Transcendent
I thought I was going to have to keep this secret longer. It amused me so much. Thank you, @Zvoltz, for asking ,me to fulfill one of my greatest goals. @Pejat has more that will show up at some point.


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A thrill of electricity runs down your spine as a cold, male voice crackling with static echoes in your mind, "I have a business proposition for you if you will join Me in My Fulcrux, Lord Windwhisper."


Commentary: This is how you deal with non-worshippers. Bargain, not command. It's also how you make Portius look at the screen with a real confused expression for a couple seconds.




You say, "Oh? Zvoltz, I presume?"

A thrill of electricity runs down your spine as a cold, male voice crackling with static echoes in your mind, "Indeed."



Ellision: I'm so bad at finding fulcruxes.


The Fulcrux of Zvoltz.
A comforting feeling of privacy pervades the area. A wall of static runs along the entire base of the dome, crackling with contained energy. A hollow globe of transparent quartz floats above a seven-stepped dais, icy white bolts of energy arcing within the crystal.
There are no obvious exits.


Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "Greetings."

You say, "Greetings. What can I do for you?"

Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "I have been considering your threat to file charges of assault against Me for your transformation into a maggot."

You say, "I expect the window of opportunity for that particular charge has passed, but I maintain that it is a valid option in general."

Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "I wish to test the idea none-the-less. Forcing Pejat to consider it gives us both information we would find valuable and I will grant
you a boon for your cooperation, should you choose to join in the idea."

You say, "You...want me to sue you for assault?"

Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "Or at least pretend to. I am certain one of the magistrates would play along."

You say, "I think that can be arranged. Shall I send him a private letter, or present the charges to the full Board?"

Confession: I fixed a metric buttload of typos. I was laughing too hard to be neat.

You say, "Oh!"

You say, "I can add in another charge, if you like."

Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "And what is that?"

You say, "A truly petty one, but technically valid. The title "Lord Archiect" is technically a violation of the case articles, unless you've produced thirty merits of art or science that I've never discovered."

You say, "Since 'lord' is restricted."

A booming laugh rolls around you like thunder.

You say, "Even I don't think that's worth pursuing. But if I'm pressing charges against You anyway.."

Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "That would certainly liven things up."

Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "A letter directly to him will suffice. I don't wish to get the entire Board riled up, they have such delicate dispositions."

Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "Any reasonable charges you wish to include. It is Pejat's reaction that I am interested in, not the merits of the case in Hallifax's
legal system."

You say, "Excellent. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, you mentioned a boon? Of what kind?"


Protip: Always make your deals explicit.


Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "Whatever you wish, so long as it is not something that the Creatrix has forbidden. You need not choose it now, if you prefer to call upon it at an opportune time for yourself."


Protip: Zvoltz should read the previous protip very carefully.



Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "I also have the answer to the Board's question of the origin of the sharded flesh consumption ban, if such is of interest to you."

Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "Though that is hardly a boon, merely something of interest if you wish to know it."

You say, "Somewhat. It struck me as a rather pointlessly unproductive law."

Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "It had a similarly pointless and unproductive origin. It was created during Rika's tenure as Chairman for no discernable reason other than the prudish notions that the immigrants carried in from other nations. It did not come from Cririk."

You say, "Hm. I can't say that I know anything about her, but I'm glad to know that I haven't repealed some secret legal masterwork of Cririk."

The slow roll of thunderous laughter booms around you.

Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "Do send me a copy of your letter. I am somewhat of a fan of your non-pun writings."

You say, "I shall do so. If that is all, I should go prepare it."

Energy surges across the dome above as a distorted voice crackles, "That is all. Be well, Lord Librarian."

With a flourish of your arm, you bow deeply.

You say, "Be well, Architect."

Ellision: Derping my way out of his fulcrux and going to go write a letter while laughing like a maniac.


Chairman Pejat Shevat, Shaper of Systems,


In full accordance with the law I do hereby bring charges against the entity commonly known as "Zvoltz" for the following high crimes and misdemeanours:


Peace Articles B.II.iii: Assault Against Non-Denizen Citizen

Hallifax Newspost 1074, as published by the Ministry of Information, details an argument by Zvoltz against an alliance with Gaudiguch. I offered a rebuttal in post 1078. Observe that my rebuttal was civil and founded upon evidence and reason.

Zvoltz saw fit to respond to my argument not in the same manner, but with brute violence. He did knowingly and deliberately transform me into a maggot without my consent for a period of two days. During the brief conversation that followed he declared himself to be a simple citizen of Hallifax, most likely in response to my original statement. In doing so he admitted that he is bound by our laws and thus can be brought to trial for them.

At the time, it seemed altogether imprudent to bring charges against a being that was willing to disregard our laws to assault me for the mere inconvenience of arguing against him. I have reconsidered that position. Given that there is no mandated expiration date on crime, my complaint remains valid.

It is my contention that transfiguration without consent constitutes an assault and I demand the justice be done accordingly.


Caste Articles: 3.i: Titles

Zvoltz is commonly known as the "Lord Architect." He employs this title himself and makes no effort to dissuade his followers from employing it.

To refer to oneself as a lord is an explicit right of those who have attained membership in the Assembly of Peers. I contend that Zvoltz has not done so.

An examination of the library and stage will reveal his complete lack of publications and recordings. As an elder god, he is incapable of attaining a seal. As such, it is mathematically impossible for him to attain the Peerage.

As he is not a peer, his title is infringes on the Assembly's rights and is thus unlawful. I demand that justice be done accordingly.


------

While Zvoltz has never personally murdered me, I would be remiss if I did not note that he has often violated Peace Article B.II.iii with fatal lightning strikes. I do not have standing to bring charges for those particular homicides, but others may do so if they are reminded of their rights.

I trust that justice will be done in a prompt and efficient manner. The law demands nothing less.


Glory to the Collective,
Portius Windwhisper
Taroch Laureate
Librarian of Hallifax
Future Chief Superintendent of the Sentinel Company
Peer of the Commonwealth




Any sufficiently advanced pun is indistinguishable from comedy.

Comments

  • HavastusHavastus Member Posts: 346 Expert
    Every weekday morning, I wake up at 7:30 EST and drag my tired butt into the shower. My alarm clock is the iHeartRadio app, set to play the local Rock station. In the morning, they host a very popular radio show called The Morning Buzz, where the host BS back and forth about whatever's going on, along with playing games and all that. It's great fun, and it's an excellent way of keeping myself entertained as I'm getting ready for/driving to work.

    Every Wednesday at about 8:00am, they host a segment called "Who's The Douchbag?", where listeners write in about a situation that occurs between two people, leaving it up to the hosts and a jury of listeners to decide who, indeed, was the douchebag in that case. Usually around this time, I'm in the shower, and we all know what happens when you get to thinking about things while showering. I myself like to imagine I'm dealing with whatever douchbag situation they're talking about, and think about what I would do were that happening to me. I also enjoy laughing at the stupid responses people call in with.

    I say all of that because, after reading that amazing, amazing log of Hallifaxian Bureaucratic Wonder, I'm left thinking if Zvoltz himself went through a similar process as me in the morning. Except, instead of listening to the radio, he was thinking to himself, "Oh my goodness, this will be a HILARIOUS way to fuck with my city!"

    All and all, a perfect 5/7! Well done!

  • LavinyaLavinya Former Queen of Snark AustraliaMember Posts: 3,354 Transcendent
    @Zvoltz is too cool. Must make Halli alt and infiltrate said coolness.



  • SaranSaran Member Posts: 1,718 Mythical
    To be fair, Hallifax's laws (the ones from Cririk at least) were written in a time without gods afaik. Time for someone to write the "God Articles"?
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  • CyndarinCyndarin used Flamethrower! It was super effective. Member Posts: 4,508 Transcendent
    On the one hand, hilarious. On the other, Hallifax RP makes no sense. 
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  • NienlaNienla Member Posts: 272 Expert
    Hallifax is all about laws and stifling bureaucracy. Bravo, though. This was an entertaining read. Were I not in love with Glom, a Hallifaxian would definitely have to be considered.
  • CyndarinCyndarin used Flamethrower! It was super effective. Member Posts: 4,508 Transcendent
    Who decided RPing Congress was a good idea?

    Borg are so much cooler. 
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  • PortiusPortius Likes big books, cannot lie Member Posts: 1,419 Transcendent
    I think it's best to view Hallifax as a corrupt bureaucratic despotism type government. Most of us aren't so much about always following the law as we are about agreeing that order is good for everyone and then discretely ignoring laws when it suits us. Or rewriting laws to favor us. Basically for most (not all) of us I think that law is really more of a tool than a goal.


    Any sufficiently advanced pun is indistinguishable from comedy.
  • FalaeronFalaeron Jolteon Member Posts: 1,663 Transcendent
    What everyone forgets is that Order (ie laws) is just the (best) method to attaining Harmony through the arts and sciences, which is the ultimate goal.
  • PhoebusPhoebus tu fui, ego eris. CircumstancesMember Posts: 1,920 Transcendent
    Portius said:
    I think it's best to view Hallifax as a corrupt bureaucratic despotism type government. Most of us aren't so much about always following the law as we are about agreeing that order is good for everyone and then discretely ignoring laws when it suits us. Or rewriting laws to favor us. Basically for most (not all) of us I think that law is really more of a tool than a goal.


    Bah! Kids these days, playing at being orderly when they're really just as bad as any ground-dwelling brute, applying the law or ignoring it as it suits their needs. [-( Shameful.
  • TalanTalan Member Posts: 1,000 Transcendent
    edited January 2016

    Portius said:
    I think it's best to view Hallifax as a corrupt bureaucratic despotism type government. Most of us aren't so much about always following the law as we are about agreeing that order is good for everyone and then discretely ignoring laws when it suits us. Or rewriting laws to favor us. Basically for most (not all) of us I think that law is really more of a tool than a goal.


    Man, I don't want to instigate, but I really don't think that Hallifax in general is all on this page.

    Edit: See.
    #NoWireHangersEver

    Vive l'apostrophe!
  • DaraiusDaraius Shevat The juror's taco spotMember Posts: 4,321 Transcendent
    Portius is the main guy for proposing rewrites of laws to suit his interests. He just happens to be very persuasive.
  • PhoebusPhoebus tu fui, ego eris. CircumstancesMember Posts: 1,920 Transcendent
    Daraius said:
    Portius is the main guy for proposing rewrites of laws to suit his interests. He just happens to be very persuasive.
    He must get it from his father.  8-|
  • SylandraSylandra Friend of Dog Member Posts: 4,353 Transcendent
    Who incidentally was the one who banned food with shards in it at the Matrix, if I recall correctly!
    Fyler said:
    Sylandra has a very signature (and somewhat twisted) sense of humor
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