A little background, first of all.
When she was young, there were several people of whom Tacita was in a mixture of awe and terror. Druken, Eliron, Xenthos and Astraea were amongst them, so it is amusing that two of them became her fathers, one her husband, and the other her best friend. She idolised all four of them, and thought that if one day she could be even the tiniest bit like them, she would have done well for Glomdoring.
This drive lingered in the back of her mind throughout her youth and upon her return to the forest. It drove a lot of how she thought and acted. But though she was close to three of her four idols, she was never terribly close to Astraea. Even as she rose to be Song of the Wyrd and joined the Shadow Court, and despite interacting with Astraea often, she still thought that she was simply tolerated by the older woman.
It was therefore a great surprise to Tacita when, as murmurs went through the forest that the Regent no longer woke enough to hold her position, that Astraea came and suggested that she contest. Tacita was dumbstruck, and it was perhaps this astonishment, plus her joy at discovering that Astraea had any interest in her at all, that made her agree to put her name forward.
She therefore credits Astraea with having made her much of what she is today. Getting to be a Sage of the Seven Shrouds alongside Sidd and Astraea was an honour Tacita ranks up with being Regent - but of course, Sidd betrayed Nocht and there are now few forces in the world stronger than Tacita's hatred of him.
Astraea also stood by her when things came to a head with Xynthin - refusing to kill the various alternative Xenthoses, and even joining Tacita in attacking her own wife when Celina initially attempted to kill them.
I mention all of this because it is important to understand just how much Astraea means to Tacita, and just how brilliant and perfect and awe-inspiring Tacita considers her to be. It is important to understand this because then you will understand just how much it broke Tacita to find out that her idol was not perfect after all, doubly so because it opened the wounds caused by Sidd's betrayal.
(And Asty, I'm so sorry I haven't gotten to RP with you again yet following the letter/scroll you sent. It is definitely something I want to do!)
This log also contains Nocht being Nocht, by which I mean asfdjgfgdfbgdgIloveyou - and Xenthos and Kethaera being the bestest family ever. They's got my back, yo.
(Fal Emint): Astraea says, "Ahh....Tacita."
(Fal Emint): You say, "Yes?"
(Fal Emint): Astraea says, "I require your advice."
(Fal Emint): You say, "Oh?"
(Fal Emint): Astraea says, "As of late small spiders have been following me around, whimsically so. And, well you see. Perhaps this is the incorrect aether to speak of this on - but I have nothing to hide - the attention of the Lady of Thorns falls on me from time to time, as I'm sure it falls on many others. But it stirs something in me that I have not experienced in quite some time."
(Fal Emint): Astraea says, "It awakens a longing for Her that I have not felt in centuries."
(Fal Emint): Astraea says, "And thus I am vexed, you see."
You open your mouth to say something, but speech fails you.
You have emoted: Tacita stares into the middle distance for a long moment, as if stunned. Stuttering an "Excuse me," she rushes from the room with an overwhelmed expression on her face.
A broken wall.
Black, roiling fog hangs thick upon the air, originating from a shield shrine of Shikari nearby. The shadowy outline of a twisted forest casts a dark gloom here. There is the lightest of airs blowing through the locale.
You see exits leading southeast and south.
Kethaera tells you, "Are you alright, mother?"
(Fal Emint): You say, "Forgive me, my friend. Your words have...I never expected - not from you. From others, but never from you."
You tell Herald Kethaera An'Ryshe, "No."
Kethaera tells you, "What happened?"
You sense the piercing eyes of Xenthos looking upon you.
Ilistala emerges from the shadows, curiously looking around.
Naenia, an inquisitive shadow cat tells you, "Xenthos has entered from the south."
Almost furtively, Naenia slinks up to Xenthos and leans against him for a brief moment as if seeking comfort.
(Fal Emint): Astraea says, "I stand with you in this surprise, and my very nature struggles against it. It has been centuries since I stood beneath the Lady of Thorns, and that part of me had well and truly faded - into the oblivion of Mother Night's darkness. And, yet here I stand. It was a trivial matter at first, for months the small creatures chittered at me and scurried around within the blackthorn blossoms I wove into my hair. I thought it bothersome but otherwise benign."
Kethaera enters from the south, emanating an aura of immense power.
Naenia, an inquisitive shadow cat tells you, "Kethaera has entered from the south."
Lifting her head, Ilistala looks at Kethaera hopefully.
(Fal Emint): Astraea says, "And yet perhaps there is an underlying purpose to this, as more and more my thoughts linger on Her. It is a conflict I am incapable of dealing with presently. And thus I am frozen."
You have emoted: Tacita stares blankly at the floor, her arms shaking even as she holds them around herself. Her mouth hangs slightly open in a mixture of disbelief and horror.
Faint whispers flit through the air, an indecipherable conversation going on between them.
(Fal Emint): You say, "You cannot do this. Not you - not to Him."
Herald Kethaera An'Ryshe beats her wings rapidly to hover before you, studying you intently. "What's wrong?"
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist's lips turn down slightly at the corners as he steps closer to you, one hand lightly gathering up your own and giving it a gentle squeeze.
You have emoted: Tacita moves her shaking free hand to her throat, grasping desperately at the cloth of her shroud. She tries several times to form words, but none come.
(Fal Emint): Astraea says, "Perhaps not. And yet, rarely comes the occasion that the entirety of my being thrums with anticipation. I must meditate on this matter. I must seclude myself and dwell upon this thing I could even consider doing."
(Fal Emint): Astraea says, "I thank you for your honesty."
Herald Kethaera An'Ryshe furrows her brow in concern, glancing over at Xenthos , her expression puzzled.
You have emoted: Tacita An'Ryshe blinks several times, and her glassy eyes release stray tears. She bats at them in frustration, but seems with the movement to break more fully out of her daze, stepping closer to Xenthos.
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist gathers you in his arms, holding you close.
Her voice cracking with emotion, you whisper, "She can't do this. Not to Him, not to m- me. She can't leave me, not like this."
Herald Kethaera An'Ryshe blinks rapidly, coming a bit closer. Her tone soft, she asks, "Who did? What happened?"
You have emoted: Tacita An'Ryshe's hands curl into fists against Xenthos's armour, her eyes taking on an almost wild expression. "They are all leaving Him, and me. One by one." She snuffles softly, but no more tears fall. "I do not like how the world is being remade."
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist says, "All?"
Casting her eyes downwards, you say, "I was not meant to be alone. They were meant to be with me, we were meant to be together, a triad, His power. Then...then he went, and now she desires it, and they will leave me all alone." She lifts her head, a confused despondance in her expression. "How can I believe in my own devotion when they would forsake theirs?"
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist says to you, "It is easy. You know yourself. You know your faith. If others bend, or break, it is a failing of their own entirely."
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist says to you, "It is... difficult for many mortals to remain true to their Oaths and Vows. You know that as well as anyone."
Herald Kethaera An'Ryshe says to you, "You are stronger than them."
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist says to you, "But you -cannot- let yourself break simply because another failed the test."
You have emoted: Tacita An'Ryshe bashes one fist against Xenthos's breastplate in frustration, her expression contorting into anger. "They were supposed to be better!" she exclaims, her voice raising almost to a shriek. "I found Him because of them, she made me into what I am, and they were supposed to be -better-."
Tears fill your eyes and begin to slowly run down your face.
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist says, "Ah. Those we look up to... you need to remember, they are mortal too. They are subject to the same stresses and trials. Just because they taught you... does not change that simple fact."
Xenthos gives a pained sigh.
Herald Kethaera An'Ryshe hovers uneasily, wrapping her arms around herself.
The surrounding shadows convulse, grasping outwards in joyous anticipation as Nocht, the Silent suddenly materializes from the aether.
Naenia, an inquisitive shadow cat tells you, "Nocht has entered from the ether."
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist says, "While Lord Nocht and I may have our... er."
Herald Kethaera An'Ryshe says, "Greetings, Lord Nocht."
You have emoted: Tacita drops her head immediately downwards, her curls falling to conceal her distraught expression.
The faintest smile upon His face, Nocht, the Silent whispers, "Please do finish your thought."
A wry smile spreads across Xenthos's face.
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist says, "Very well. While Lord Nocht and I may have our differences on certain aspects of emotion, in this I feel that He would agree with me. They are not worth mourning the loss, but instead it is better to look forward."
Nocht, the Silent whispers, "Ever the optimist, Xenthos An'Ryshe."
You have emoted: Tacita wraps her arms back around herself, her grip on herself tightening in an attempt to control her trembling.
Glancing down at Tacita, Nocht, the Silent whispers, "But I have business with Mine."
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist says, "Very well, my Lord."
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist releases you from his embrace, stepping away.
Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist says to Kethaera, "Come with me, then?"
Kethaera nods her head at Xenthos.
Her voice soft, you say, "I am Yours to do with as You will."
Kethaera leaves, following Spirit Warden Xenthos An'Ryshe, the Ebon Strategist.
Ilistala melds into the shadows, quickly disappearing from view.
Nocht, the Silent tilts His head down towards you, His face once more becoming impassive.
Nocht, the Silent whispers, "Why do you tremble and weep, little one?"
You have emoted: Tacita reaches up to brush at her cheeks with one shaking hand, before lifting her head in what seems to be a concerted effort. She manages to banish some of the pain from her expression, but barely makes a dent on the emotion conveyed through her posture.
You say, "I...do not understand. I do not understand how she could ever think of leaving You. And for it to be her, of all people..."
Nocht, the Silent whispers, "You mortals have always struck Me as fickle. I wonder if it is within your minds to be dedicated to any one thing for century upon century."
You have emoted: Tacita tenses slightly at that, and raises her head a little higher. "It is possible, my Lord," she says, her voice gaining some strength. "I know it to be possible. I - I have proof."
Tilting His head to the side, Nocht, the Silent whispers, "Do you?"
The ghost of a smile passes fleetingly across your lips.
[At this point, I am so nervous IRL that I am also shaking, and I am convinced that what Tacita is about to say will get her killed or at least bopped around the head for being arrogant and presumptuous, but this speech has been building for a RL year now.]
Her voice soft at first, you say, "Yes, my Lord. Me. I am proof. For decades now I have waited for Your Will, prepared myself for it. In the time that I have waited, Childryn have come to Your side and departed, but I have stayed. Others have fallen to slumber, but I have stayed." She lets out a soft laugh, of joy tinged with pain, and her voice loses the last of its weakness. "I am still here, and I shall always be here, and if that is not proof of our worth then I do not know what is."
A faint smile on His lips, Nocht, the Silent whispers, "That you have, My little one."
Nocht, the Silent whispers, "You have waited and served even if you have gone years without hearing My voice."
Nocht, the Silent whispers, "Some of Mine, little one, take My long bouts of silence as indifference to their affairs. Such is not the case."
You nod your head slowly in understanding.
Her face rapt with devotion, you say, "I know, my Lord. And I have done my best to tell them - but, it is difficult. Especially when some of the other Elders are quite so..." She coughs softly, looking a little sheepish. "Noisy."
Nocht, the Silent whispers, "I am far from the likes of Keph, but I do look ahead, and I foresee much that threatens Myself and Mine. I watch and prepare for the materialization of these threats."
The ghost of a smile passes fleetingly across Nocht's lips.
Nocht, the Silent whispers, "Should some need a more forceful hand, they may seek it. Such decisions have their price, however."
Nocht, the Silent whispers, "But you will be rewarded for your patience. I have not forgotten the bond we are to make in forming your cult. The whole order shall be reorganized, and you shall be at its centre, Tacita An'Ryshe, as My voice. The first of many until your mortal body fails you, and perhaps even a bit longer than that."
Nocht, the Silent whispers, "Such is My will. So do not wring your hands over the departure of others. Revel in Isolation, in Silence, in Loneliness... For great things are coming, My dear little one."
The surrounding shadows wane, falling back in despondent melancholy as the form of Nocht, the Silent dissolves into wisps of shadow.
Nocht, the Silent has bestowed His divine truefavour upon you. It will last for 7 months.
You have emoted: Tacita swallows audibly, and she trembles with rapture rather than sadness. "I am Yours," she whispers, her face lit up with adoration. "For all eternity."
At the end I couldn't type properly because I couldn't see through the WALL OF TEARS. I have felt so many things both ICly and OOCly over the past year of waiting. Several times I have given up hope of my cult ever actually happening - even after the beginning of this year, when Nocht asked Tacita to tell Him what she thought the cult should be about, and reassured her that it would be coming after Ascension.
I have been patient and impatient and excited and despondant and angry and sad and happy and thought so many times that I might as well just not bother anymore because I had clearly been forgotten about. Often those feelings have been reflected in Tacita's behaviour.
To be perfectly honest, until this log happened, I had actually been preparing myself to stop playing Tacita. I just couldn't keep going anymore with the cheerful face and the 'oh, I'm sure it'll happen soon', even though I had lots of other wonderful things still keeping me in the game. I had used up all of my energy, and I was done.
Then this happened, and I knew that it was worth all of the waiting and the frustration, and I remembered how proud I am of the Order and their incredible awesomeness, and though it would be a lie to say I wondered why I had ever minded all the waiting...it definitely feels that it's all been worth hanging on for now.