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Everiine is a man, and is very manly. This MAN before you is so manly you might as well just gender bend right now, cause he's the manliest man that you ever did see. His manly shape has spurned many women and girlyer men to boughs of fainting. He stands before you in a manly manerific typical man-like outfit which is covered in his manly motto: "I am a man!"Daraius said: You gotta risk it for the biscuit.Pony power all the way, yo. The more Brontaurs the better.
@Ashiya: For what it's worth, I think you are an excellent roleplayer. You're fantastic at interacting with/responding to your environment, and I haven't thought a single bad thing about what you've shown so far -- in fact, I've been impressed with your consideration and creativity. Keep it up, and try not to be so critical of yourself!
So. Stream of consciousness time... I'll try not to remove anything I write, and I'll see if I can press the "Post Comment" button at the end of this.I've always looked at the thread of this title with a little bit of a chuckle. "You Are Not Alone"... But what if your problem is that you are? Because that's kindof where I am, and have always been. I've never really had any friends, and a girlfriend is so far off it's not even funny. I guess it's because every time I've asked, it's always been "no", ranging from a friendly "I like you too, but as a friend" (or brother, etc) to the more hostile slaps, kicks, and even a few "Eww"s. After 35 years of that, well, I've kinda given up on it. Not sure what's wrong with me, but if Hitler can have three wives, and seral murderers can have girlfriend after girlfriend, I'm apparently worse than they are.On the "friends" part of the spectrum, I simply have none. At least none that are close enough that I can speak to them outside of work (right now, I'd possibly consider two people friends, but again, we never speak outside of work). Essentially, my whole social world is "work" and "parents and brothers". That's it. And it's been that way for... well, the last 15 years, since I left university (and at that point, you could simply replace "work" with "school").Essentially, it's all built up to a point where I'm pretty depressed about it. I've always had low points during the year (generally around spring; probably no surprise there), but this year, I never really bounced back from that. I've had problems sleeping for the last... half year or so (I might go into a possible trigger for that point, we'll see), and it all came to a head about two months ago. As usual, I hadn't slept properly (normally I sleep roughly 8 hours, but during that half year I generally slept 5-6 hours), and I was feeling like crap at work. So I went home after about half the day, and rested up. I was off for two more days, and at that point I felt like I was kinda ready to go back. Well, I wasn't. The night before my next work day, I simply couldn't sleep. I called in sick again about 2 AM. After that, I pretty much hit a wall. Nothing really meant anything anymore, and my days essentially became trying to find something to do until it was time to sleep again.After a week of not bouncing back from it, I went to the doctor to see what could be done. That doctor referred me to a "workplace physician" (essentially, my employer pays for that health care) since it started at work. I went there, and spoke to one person. She referred me onwards to a psychologist, and, well, we kinda put down a base line of how much everything sucked for me at that point. Unfortunately, though, she was paid by my job, and I kinda don't want my employers to find out too much about me being depressed (not that I think they'd fire me, but it's a very... well, complex work place; I have four bosses at work, and three of them have various relations there; the one in charge of me has a girlfriend in the department I've switched to, and another of my bosses have a sister that is the head of another department (which I used to be in, so we know eachother well), whose husband is the head of the department I'm in now. The third boss is an extreme chatter, and also has a girlfriend at a department I used to be at pretty often in the past. Essentially, I didn't really see any reality where the whole warehouse didn't find out exactly what was wrong with me.That lead to me going back to the first care center, and I got to see a fourth person, and restart the whole process again. I was pretty evasive about why I didn't continue at the workplace physician, since I didn't want to be redirected there again. That one doctor was probably the best of the bunch. He asked the right questions, and pretty much went "Yep, textbook depression. I'm definitely kicking you back to work to get you going socially again, but here are some sleeping pills to get you sleeping". He also put me on a queue to see another psychologist, and about three weeks later (one week ago now), I met her the first time. Let's just say I pretty much broke down at that point, but that was kindof the plan, I guess. I had taken the whole day off, and it was on a friday, so I did have the weekend to recover. I kinda needed it.Anyway, I met with her again this last friday as well, and we pretty much went through it bit by bit. I've always known my problem (essentially, it all boils down to trust, which isn't surprising since I was bullied pretty much constantly in "basic school" (the first nine years over here), as well as all the rejections and never really having anyone I could actually trust without them stabbing me in the back). I still don't trust anyone, really. I'm the only one with keys to my apartment, and I've never told anyone (before now) what was wrong with me; everyone at work (including the two friends I mentioned earlier) thinks that I just couldn't sleep, and that the only cure was sleeping pills. I haven't really explained my two absent fridays, but I'm not sure what they think about that; I'm guessing they think I'm just overworked and that I'm still not back 100%, but we've never really talked about it.Obviously, my psychologists suggestion was pretty simple to figure out before I even went there: to share it with one of my friends. Put bluntly, I can't really do that at this point in time, since... well, we work together, and on the off-chance that they reject me afterwards (and that is an extremely slim chance), we'd still have to meet up at work afterwards. And (as I think would happen, intellectually if not emotionally) she would just break down with me (and I'm fairly sure I'd break down), I can't be sure how much she'd tell other people about it, or how she'd change her behavior towards me. I'm fairly sure she'd have my own best in mind, but I've often noticed that those kind of things generally have a way to go awry, and she'd talk to people about it that I wouldn't want her to talk to.So... That kinda brings me to here. I have to start somewhere, and you guys are the only ones I can really talk to about it (considering the anonymity that a computer screen gives me). It's probably not as cartharcic (?) as it needs to be, but at least it's better than keeping it all bottled up and just keeping it to myself.So. The reason I stopped sleeping well... I honestly think it all has to do with one of my coworkers. As I said, I've been single for... well, for 36 years now, so I'm kindof clumsy socially. Anyway, we got a new addition at the department I used to work at; I'm pretty handy with computers, so I pretty much kept everything running with the computer systems (not that the head of that department can't manage, but I can do a lot more than she can). This new addition was her new assistant, and I kindof fell for her in a big way. Every time in the past, I've never really been able to see me being with anyone, but with her, it just... yeah, it feels right. We're both vegetarians, we're very similar politically, we both have the same kind of humor... we simply connect. There's only one issue, and that is that she's 13 years younger than I am. Yes, I know "age is just a number", but... well, first of all, people would talk. That's just natural. Second, I fear that she'd grow apart from me over the years, and... well, I'd be back at where I started, only now I'd actually know what it was I've been missing all these years (and that's probably what's been keeping me going; since I've always been alone, I've never really know any other life and could compare it).Don't get me wrong, I've not avoided her or anything. If anything, I've been over the top with my flirting ("Oh yes, I agree with you completely! What am I agreeing with this time?", "I'd do everything for you *flutter eyelashes*" etc etc), and she hasn't exactly been chased away by it, so I'm not sure what she's feeling for me. To me, it essentially feels like we've been tip-toeing around eachother. Or rather, we were, until two of our coworkers decided to meddle. The first overheard me doing my usual preaching of her virtues, and essentially went "So, new boyfriend?"... at which point she quickly got a shirt that my crush had in her hands thrown at her. Two days later, another coworker came over to us and asked how the lovebirds were doing (at which point my crush simply went "Can't people just leave us alone?", which again I've probably overanalysed to bits by now.Anyway. I'm at a different department, and even though I still see her from time to time, we don't work side by side (at least not for now; odds are I'll be shifted back to my old apartment when the workload there picks up, considering I accidentally broke four or five records last year when I headed it). We still talk, we still have fun, but it's more relaxed now, so I think that's for the best (at least, as I said, for now).Anyway, I think it's time to round off this one. While I've been extremely down these last few months, at least it's getting better, so there's no need to worry about me. Hopefully I'll be able to work up the courage to speak to someone other than my psychologist about this face to face, but... yeah; as I said, trust isn't exactly a big point with me right now. One day though.And that about wraps it up, I think. Sorry if it got a bit incoherent (I haven't gone back and changed anything written, so I'm not sure how much it makes sense), but if you're with me this far, thanks for reading.
Viravain, Lady of the Thorns shouts, "And You would seize Me? Fool! I am the Glomdoring! I am the Wyrd, and beneath the cloak of Night, the shadows of the Silent stir!"
I stopped to believe in humanity years ago.
This week has been a rough week for me. It is the anniversary
of events that led me to the brink of suicide almost 2 years ago. I have spend
years and years trying to cope with those events on my own by being constantly
active. I volunteered for every mission, I did volunteer work and if I had
nothing else I played games. I polarized towards strict and fully withdrawn in
real life and overemotional and clingy in Lusternia (those that know my alt
will be able to attest to that). I actually left Lusternia because of the
second part. And in the end I did
nothing but sleep and work, I had no energy for anything else.
Anyway I had myself voluntarily admitted to a closed
psych ward and while I was there I actually regained hope and some self-confidence together with a bunch of labels like PTSS.
But the day hospital afterwards ruined quite a bit of that. I left the day
clinic on advise of my military psychiatrist and also resigned my commission to
find a new job to take me away from similar situations. Right after resigning I
fell in a bit of a black hole because I also lost all medical support, then the
terror attacks in Brussels happened and I was fully doped up on adrenaline during
the entire first response there. But afterwards every bit of willpower I had
left was used up and I ended up crying for god knows how long. That crying
actually helped, and I slowly am trying to get my life together again by
getting a new job, trying to make new friends (surprisingly hard past 30) and
just trying to find things I love. However I still think about the initial
events, they still hurt, and I have spells of dark thoughts and I while I know
I should speak to someone in those case I generally do not build up the courage
to do so.
Writing this helped for today though, so thank you for
making this topic.