@Ashiya I think you'll find that a lot of us are fit somewhere in the spectrum of depression/anxiety. I'm sure that those that you become close with won't mind an OOC tell now and then if you're feeling super anxious.
(Not saying that I would recommend seeking someone out OOCly, but I'm sure you'll have friends here, both ICly and OOCly.)
Flames erupt from the caldera below as a distorted voice echoes, "Their spirit must be broken if they wish to be reborn as true warriors."
@Ashiya I do understand where you are coming from with a lot of your points. Like @Sylvanas said though there are probably a lot of people like that around. I know myself when there's people around novices or commune leaders I get a bit nervous trying to impress them and its even worse when there are the more impressive figures around like @Sikris + @Rancoura , who sort of blow me away with their presence sometimes.
Its really enjoyable but sometimes I do feel a bit like "AHH HELP! MUST TRY HARDER TO IMPRESS!" and then its panic time and I feel a bit flat footed
Enjoy the game and from what I've seen of you so far you'll fit in really well.
3
EveriineWise Old Swordsbird / BrontaurIndianapolis, IN, USA
Most of us who really like to engage in good, deep RP recognize that people trying is more important than people impressing. For example, there is a HUGE difference in my mind between:
Person says, "Thanks."
and
With a smile, Person says, "Thank you!"
Just that little bit lets me know you're putting effort in, and I'm far more likely to do some bigger, more in-depth emotes and conversations back.
The people who are known for their amazing RP developed it over time, over years, and remember where they started. They'll help you along with tips and tricks, and they'll never look down at you for not being as "impressive". After all, the more fun you're having in RP, the more fun they're having!
Everiine is a man, and is very manly. This MAN before you is so manly you might as well just gender bend right now, cause he's the manliest man that you ever did see. His manly shape has spurned many women and girlyer men to boughs of fainting. He stands before you in a manly manerific typical man-like outfit which is covered in his manly motto: "I am a man!"
Daraius said: You gotta risk it for the biscuit.
Pony power all the way, yo. The more Brontaurs the better.
I have the same problem that @Veyils has with feeling like I need to impress, and I never feel like what I'm emoting is good enough or memorable enough. The most frustrating bit is after some good RP I start to think back on it and feel like everything I RPed was dumb. :P
It's even worse when things I know nothing about are brought up, or there's more than one person RPing around me. I sort of just shut down and keep quiet.
If you're trying to RP to impress, you're doing it wrong (in my opinion). There are a lot of people over the years who I've seen just Try Too Hard. You need to do something that you're comfortable with & enjoy. The more you practice, the better you'll get, and it will feel natural. Don't try to force it, and you don't have to "try to be memorable". You'll make good moments, and they'll be all the better for the fact that they are true to your character / intent.
That said: Don't shut down. Maybe it'll be easier to participate if you aren't feeling like you need to be "perfect". Give it a shot!
3
EveriineWise Old Swordsbird / BrontaurIndianapolis, IN, USA
And, importantly, a longer emote doesn't necessarily mean a better one. If I had to choose between shorter emotes that allowed for more interplay between my character and yours, or waiting 15 minutes for a paragraph-length emote that doesn't move the action/story forward very far, I'd rather have the shorter emotes that allow us to play off each other.
Everiine is a man, and is very manly. This MAN before you is so manly you might as well just gender bend right now, cause he's the manliest man that you ever did see. His manly shape has spurned many women and girlyer men to boughs of fainting. He stands before you in a manly manerific typical man-like outfit which is covered in his manly motto: "I am a man!"
Daraius said: You gotta risk it for the biscuit.
Pony power all the way, yo. The more Brontaurs the better.
@Ashiya: For what it's worth, I think you are an excellent roleplayer. You're fantastic at interacting with/responding to your environment, and I haven't thought a single bad thing about what you've shown so far -- in fact, I've been impressed with your consideration and creativity. Keep it up, and try not to be so critical of yourself!
Tonight amidst the mountaintops And endless starless night Singing how the wind was lost Before an earthly flight
@Ashiya: For what it's worth, I think you are an excellent roleplayer. You're fantastic at interacting with/responding to your environment, and I haven't thought a single bad thing about what you've shown so far -- in fact, I've been impressed with your consideration and creativity. Keep it up, and try not to be so critical of yourself!
I can also agree with this statement. I love seeing little peeks at @Ashiya as a character. I am not always on the top of my game, and its hard for me to admit that it happens, but it does! Take Rancoura's advice, and try to just let things flow, grasshopper - You'll feel better about it.
The apple is cold, crisp, and sour as the juices fill your mouth. As you consume the fruit, you glimpse, for a moment, a massive, shadowy figure, Her snow-white hair framing a perfect, icy-eyed visage. Beneath you, a vast, perfect web of silken strands lies - and, for a moment, you realize that you too are part of it, weaver and strand both - and home.
1
EveriineWise Old Swordsbird / BrontaurIndianapolis, IN, USA
If @Rancoura thinks you're a good roleplayer, there's little doubt!
Everiine is a man, and is very manly. This MAN before you is so manly you might as well just gender bend right now, cause he's the manliest man that you ever did see. His manly shape has spurned many women and girlyer men to boughs of fainting. He stands before you in a manly manerific typical man-like outfit which is covered in his manly motto: "I am a man!"
Daraius said: You gotta risk it for the biscuit.
Pony power all the way, yo. The more Brontaurs the better.
So. Stream of consciousness time... I'll try not to remove anything I write, and I'll see if I can press the "Post Comment" button at the end of this.
I've always looked at the thread of this title with a little bit of a chuckle. "You Are Not Alone"... But what if your problem is that you are? Because that's kindof where I am, and have always been. I've never really had any friends, and a girlfriend is so far off it's not even funny. I guess it's because every time I've asked, it's always been "no", ranging from a friendly "I like you too, but as a friend" (or brother, etc) to the more hostile slaps, kicks, and even a few "Eww"s. After 35 years of that, well, I've kinda given up on it. Not sure what's wrong with me, but if Hitler can have three wives, and seral murderers can have girlfriend after girlfriend, I'm apparently worse than they are.
On the "friends" part of the spectrum, I simply have none. At least none that are close enough that I can speak to them outside of work (right now, I'd possibly consider two people friends, but again, we never speak outside of work). Essentially, my whole social world is "work" and "parents and brothers". That's it. And it's been that way for... well, the last 15 years, since I left university (and at that point, you could simply replace "work" with "school").
Essentially, it's all built up to a point where I'm pretty depressed about it. I've always had low points during the year (generally around spring; probably no surprise there), but this year, I never really bounced back from that. I've had problems sleeping for the last... half year or so (I might go into a possible trigger for that point, we'll see), and it all came to a head about two months ago. As usual, I hadn't slept properly (normally I sleep roughly 8 hours, but during that half year I generally slept 5-6 hours), and I was feeling like crap at work. So I went home after about half the day, and rested up. I was off for two more days, and at that point I felt like I was kinda ready to go back. Well, I wasn't. The night before my next work day, I simply couldn't sleep. I called in sick again about 2 AM. After that, I pretty much hit a wall. Nothing really meant anything anymore, and my days essentially became trying to find something to do until it was time to sleep again.
After a week of not bouncing back from it, I went to the doctor to see what could be done. That doctor referred me to a "workplace physician" (essentially, my employer pays for that health care) since it started at work. I went there, and spoke to one person. She referred me onwards to a psychologist, and, well, we kinda put down a base line of how much everything sucked for me at that point. Unfortunately, though, she was paid by my job, and I kinda don't want my employers to find out too much about me being depressed (not that I think they'd fire me, but it's a very... well, complex work place; I have four bosses at work, and three of them have various relations there; the one in charge of me has a girlfriend in the department I've switched to, and another of my bosses have a sister that is the head of another department (which I used to be in, so we know eachother well), whose husband is the head of the department I'm in now. The third boss is an extreme chatter, and also has a girlfriend at a department I used to be at pretty often in the past. Essentially, I didn't really see any reality where the whole warehouse didn't find out exactly what was wrong with me.
That lead to me going back to the first care center, and I got to see a fourth person, and restart the whole process again. I was pretty evasive about why I didn't continue at the workplace physician, since I didn't want to be redirected there again. That one doctor was probably the best of the bunch. He asked the right questions, and pretty much went "Yep, textbook depression. I'm definitely kicking you back to work to get you going socially again, but here are some sleeping pills to get you sleeping". He also put me on a queue to see another psychologist, and about three weeks later (one week ago now), I met her the first time. Let's just say I pretty much broke down at that point, but that was kindof the plan, I guess. I had taken the whole day off, and it was on a friday, so I did have the weekend to recover. I kinda needed it.
Anyway, I met with her again this last friday as well, and we pretty much went through it bit by bit. I've always known my problem (essentially, it all boils down to trust, which isn't surprising since I was bullied pretty much constantly in "basic school" (the first nine years over here), as well as all the rejections and never really having anyone I could actually trust without them stabbing me in the back). I still don't trust anyone, really. I'm the only one with keys to my apartment, and I've never told anyone (before now) what was wrong with me; everyone at work (including the two friends I mentioned earlier) thinks that I just couldn't sleep, and that the only cure was sleeping pills. I haven't really explained my two absent fridays, but I'm not sure what they think about that; I'm guessing they think I'm just overworked and that I'm still not back 100%, but we've never really talked about it.
Obviously, my psychologists suggestion was pretty simple to figure out before I even went there: to share it with one of my friends. Put bluntly, I can't really do that at this point in time, since... well, we work together, and on the off-chance that they reject me afterwards (and that is an extremely slim chance), we'd still have to meet up at work afterwards. And (as I think would happen, intellectually if not emotionally) she would just break down with me (and I'm fairly sure I'd break down), I can't be sure how much she'd tell other people about it, or how she'd change her behavior towards me. I'm fairly sure she'd have my own best in mind, but I've often noticed that those kind of things generally have a way to go awry, and she'd talk to people about it that I wouldn't want her to talk to.
So... That kinda brings me to here. I have to start somewhere, and you guys are the only ones I can really talk to about it (considering the anonymity that a computer screen gives me). It's probably not as cartharcic (?) as it needs to be, but at least it's better than keeping it all bottled up and just keeping it to myself.
So. The reason I stopped sleeping well... I honestly think it all has to do with one of my coworkers. As I said, I've been single for... well, for 36 years now, so I'm kindof clumsy socially. Anyway, we got a new addition at the department I used to work at; I'm pretty handy with computers, so I pretty much kept everything running with the computer systems (not that the head of that department can't manage, but I can do a lot more than she can). This new addition was her new assistant, and I kindof fell for her in a big way. Every time in the past, I've never really been able to see me being with anyone, but with her, it just... yeah, it feels right. We're both vegetarians, we're very similar politically, we both have the same kind of humor... we simply connect. There's only one issue, and that is that she's 13 years younger than I am. Yes, I know "age is just a number", but... well, first of all, people would talk. That's just natural. Second, I fear that she'd grow apart from me over the years, and... well, I'd be back at where I started, only now I'd actually know what it was I've been missing all these years (and that's probably what's been keeping me going; since I've always been alone, I've never really know any other life and could compare it).
Don't get me wrong, I've not avoided her or anything. If anything, I've been over the top with my flirting ("Oh yes, I agree with you completely! What am I agreeing with this time?", "I'd do everything for you *flutter eyelashes*" etc etc), and she hasn't exactly been chased away by it, so I'm not sure what she's feeling for me. To me, it essentially feels like we've been tip-toeing around eachother. Or rather, we were, until two of our coworkers decided to meddle. The first overheard me doing my usual preaching of her virtues, and essentially went "So, new boyfriend?"... at which point she quickly got a shirt that my crush had in her hands thrown at her. Two days later, another coworker came over to us and asked how the lovebirds were doing (at which point my crush simply went "Can't people just leave us alone?", which again I've probably overanalysed to bits by now.
Anyway. I'm at a different department, and even though I still see her from time to time, we don't work side by side (at least not for now; odds are I'll be shifted back to my old apartment when the workload there picks up, considering I accidentally broke four or five records last year when I headed it). We still talk, we still have fun, but it's more relaxed now, so I think that's for the best (at least, as I said, for now).
Anyway, I think it's time to round off this one. While I've been extremely down these last few months, at least it's getting better, so there's no need to worry about me. Hopefully I'll be able to work up the courage to speak to someone other than my psychologist about this face to face, but... yeah; as I said, trust isn't exactly a big point with me right now. One day though.
And that about wraps it up, I think. Sorry if it got a bit incoherent (I haven't gone back and changed anything written, so I'm not sure how much it makes sense), but if you're with me this far, thanks for reading.
So. Stream of consciousness time... I'll try not to remove anything I write, and I'll see if I can press the "Post Comment" button at the end of this.
I've always looked at the thread of this title with a little bit of a chuckle. "You Are Not Alone"... But what if your problem is that you are? Because that's kindof where I am, and have always been. I've never really had any friends, and a girlfriend is so far off it's not even funny. I guess it's because every time I've asked, it's always been "no", ranging from a friendly "I like you too, but as a friend" (or brother, etc) to the more hostile slaps, kicks, and even a few "Eww"s. After 35 years of that, well, I've kinda given up on it. Not sure what's wrong with me, but if Hitler can have three wives, and seral murderers can have girlfriend after girlfriend, I'm apparently worse than they are.
On the "friends" part of the spectrum, I simply have none. At least none that are close enough that I can speak to them outside of work (right now, I'd possibly consider two people friends, but again, we never speak outside of work). Essentially, my whole social world is "work" and "parents and brothers". That's it. And it's been that way for... well, the last 15 years, since I left university (and at that point, you could simply replace "work" with "school").
Essentially, it's all built up to a point where I'm pretty depressed about it. I've always had low points during the year (generally around spring; probably no surprise there), but this year, I never really bounced back from that. I've had problems sleeping for the last... half year or so (I might go into a possible trigger for that point, we'll see), and it all came to a head about two months ago. As usual, I hadn't slept properly (normally I sleep roughly 8 hours, but during that half year I generally slept 5-6 hours), and I was feeling like crap at work. So I went home after about half the day, and rested up. I was off for two more days, and at that point I felt like I was kinda ready to go back. Well, I wasn't. The night before my next work day, I simply couldn't sleep. I called in sick again about 2 AM. After that, I pretty much hit a wall. Nothing really meant anything anymore, and my days essentially became trying to find something to do until it was time to sleep again.
After a week of not bouncing back from it, I went to the doctor to see what could be done. That doctor referred me to a "workplace physician" (essentially, my employer pays for that health care) since it started at work. I went there, and spoke to one person. She referred me onwards to a psychologist, and, well, we kinda put down a base line of how much everything sucked for me at that point. Unfortunately, though, she was paid by my job, and I kinda don't want my employers to find out too much about me being depressed (not that I think they'd fire me, but it's a very... well, complex work place; I have four bosses at work, and three of them have various relations there; the one in charge of me has a girlfriend in the department I've switched to, and another of my bosses have a sister that is the head of another department (which I used to be in, so we know eachother well), whose husband is the head of the department I'm in now. The third boss is an extreme chatter, and also has a girlfriend at a department I used to be at pretty often in the past. Essentially, I didn't really see any reality where the whole warehouse didn't find out exactly what was wrong with me.
That lead to me going back to the first care center, and I got to see a fourth person, and restart the whole process again. I was pretty evasive about why I didn't continue at the workplace physician, since I didn't want to be redirected there again. That one doctor was probably the best of the bunch. He asked the right questions, and pretty much went "Yep, textbook depression. I'm definitely kicking you back to work to get you going socially again, but here are some sleeping pills to get you sleeping". He also put me on a queue to see another psychologist, and about three weeks later (one week ago now), I met her the first time. Let's just say I pretty much broke down at that point, but that was kindof the plan, I guess. I had taken the whole day off, and it was on a friday, so I did have the weekend to recover. I kinda needed it.
Anyway, I met with her again this last friday as well, and we pretty much went through it bit by bit. I've always known my problem (essentially, it all boils down to trust, which isn't surprising since I was bullied pretty much constantly in "basic school" (the first nine years over here), as well as all the rejections and never really having anyone I could actually trust without them stabbing me in the back). I still don't trust anyone, really. I'm the only one with keys to my apartment, and I've never told anyone (before now) what was wrong with me; everyone at work (including the two friends I mentioned earlier) thinks that I just couldn't sleep, and that the only cure was sleeping pills. I haven't really explained my two absent fridays, but I'm not sure what they think about that; I'm guessing they think I'm just overworked and that I'm still not back 100%, but we've never really talked about it.
Obviously, my psychologists suggestion was pretty simple to figure out before I even went there: to share it with one of my friends. Put bluntly, I can't really do that at this point in time, since... well, we work together, and on the off-chance that they reject me afterwards (and that is an extremely slim chance), we'd still have to meet up at work afterwards. And (as I think would happen, intellectually if not emotionally) she would just break down with me (and I'm fairly sure I'd break down), I can't be sure how much she'd tell other people about it, or how she'd change her behavior towards me. I'm fairly sure she'd have my own best in mind, but I've often noticed that those kind of things generally have a way to go awry, and she'd talk to people about it that I wouldn't want her to talk to.
So... That kinda brings me to here. I have to start somewhere, and you guys are the only ones I can really talk to about it (considering the anonymity that a computer screen gives me). It's probably not as cartharcic (?) as it needs to be, but at least it's better than keeping it all bottled up and just keeping it to myself.
So. The reason I stopped sleeping well... I honestly think it all has to do with one of my coworkers. As I said, I've been single for... well, for 36 years now, so I'm kindof clumsy socially. Anyway, we got a new addition at the department I used to work at; I'm pretty handy with computers, so I pretty much kept everything running with the computer systems (not that the head of that department can't manage, but I can do a lot more than she can). This new addition was her new assistant, and I kindof fell for her in a big way. Every time in the past, I've never really been able to see me being with anyone, but with her, it just... yeah, it feels right. We're both vegetarians, we're very similar politically, we both have the same kind of humor... we simply connect. There's only one issue, and that is that she's 13 years younger than I am. Yes, I know "age is just a number", but... well, first of all, people would talk. That's just natural. Second, I fear that she'd grow apart from me over the years, and... well, I'd be back at where I started, only now I'd actually know what it was I've been missing all these years (and that's probably what's been keeping me going; since I've always been alone, I've never really know any other life and could compare it).
Don't get me wrong, I've not avoided her or anything. If anything, I've been over the top with my flirting ("Oh yes, I agree with you completely! What am I agreeing with this time?", "I'd do everything for you *flutter eyelashes*" etc etc), and she hasn't exactly been chased away by it, so I'm not sure what she's feeling for me. To me, it essentially feels like we've been tip-toeing around eachother. Or rather, we were, until two of our coworkers decided to meddle. The first overheard me doing my usual preaching of her virtues, and essentially went "So, new boyfriend?"... at which point she quickly got a shirt that my crush had in her hands thrown at her. Two days later, another coworker came over to us and asked how the lovebirds were doing (at which point my crush simply went "Can't people just leave us alone?", which again I've probably overanalysed to bits by now.
Anyway. I'm at a different department, and even though I still see her from time to time, we don't work side by side (at least not for now; odds are I'll be shifted back to my old apartment when the workload there picks up, considering I accidentally broke four or five records last year when I headed it). We still talk, we still have fun, but it's more relaxed now, so I think that's for the best (at least, as I said, for now).
Anyway, I think it's time to round off this one. While I've been extremely down these last few months, at least it's getting better, so there's no need to worry about me. Hopefully I'll be able to work up the courage to speak to someone other than my psychologist about this face to face, but... yeah; as I said, trust isn't exactly a big point with me right now. One day though.
And that about wraps it up, I think. Sorry if it got a bit incoherent (I haven't gone back and changed anything written, so I'm not sure how much it makes sense), but if you're with me this far, thanks for reading.
Thank you for sharing this. Baby steps, baby steps - I'm sure things will get better if you keep at it. Just don't give up! I'm not good with relationships myself - I've shut down all my social media accounts except for Instagram(which I haven't checked in over a month now) - but hopefully someone else from Lusternia's community will be able to give their thoughts on the matter.
Viravain, Lady of the Thorns shouts, "And You would seize Me? Fool! I am the Glomdoring! I am the Wyrd, and beneath the cloak of Night, the shadows of the Silent stir!"
So. Stream of consciousness time... I'll try not to remove anything I write, and I'll see if I can press the "Post Comment" button at the end of this.
I've always looked at the thread of this title with a little bit of a chuckle. "You Are Not Alone"... But what if your problem is that you are? Because that's kindof where I am, and have always been. I've never really had any friends, and a girlfriend is so far off it's not even funny. I guess it's because every time I've asked, it's always been "no", ranging from a friendly "I like you too, but as a friend" (or brother, etc) to the more hostile slaps, kicks, and even a few "Eww"s. After 35 years of that, well, I've kinda given up on it. Not sure what's wrong with me, but if Hitler can have three wives, and seral murderers can have girlfriend after girlfriend, I'm apparently worse than they are.
On the "friends" part of the spectrum, I simply have none. At least none that are close enough that I can speak to them outside of work (right now, I'd possibly consider two people friends, but again, we never speak outside of work). Essentially, my whole social world is "work" and "parents and brothers". That's it. And it's been that way for... well, the last 15 years, since I left university (and at that point, you could simply replace "work" with "school").
Essentially, it's all built up to a point where I'm pretty depressed about it. I've always had low points during the year (generally around spring; probably no surprise there), but this year, I never really bounced back from that. I've had problems sleeping for the last... half year or so (I might go into a possible trigger for that point, we'll see), and it all came to a head about two months ago. As usual, I hadn't slept properly (normally I sleep roughly 8 hours, but during that half year I generally slept 5-6 hours), and I was feeling like crap at work. So I went home after about half the day, and rested up. I was off for two more days, and at that point I felt like I was kinda ready to go back. Well, I wasn't. The night before my next work day, I simply couldn't sleep. I called in sick again about 2 AM. After that, I pretty much hit a wall. Nothing really meant anything anymore, and my days essentially became trying to find something to do until it was time to sleep again.
After a week of not bouncing back from it, I went to the doctor to see what could be done. That doctor referred me to a "workplace physician" (essentially, my employer pays for that health care) since it started at work. I went there, and spoke to one person. She referred me onwards to a psychologist, and, well, we kinda put down a base line of how much everything sucked for me at that point. Unfortunately, though, she was paid by my job, and I kinda don't want my employers to find out too much about me being depressed (not that I think they'd fire me, but it's a very... well, complex work place; I have four bosses at work, and three of them have various relations there; the one in charge of me has a girlfriend in the department I've switched to, and another of my bosses have a sister that is the head of another department (which I used to be in, so we know eachother well), whose husband is the head of the department I'm in now. The third boss is an extreme chatter, and also has a girlfriend at a department I used to be at pretty often in the past. Essentially, I didn't really see any reality where the whole warehouse didn't find out exactly what was wrong with me.
That lead to me going back to the first care center, and I got to see a fourth person, and restart the whole process again. I was pretty evasive about why I didn't continue at the workplace physician, since I didn't want to be redirected there again. That one doctor was probably the best of the bunch. He asked the right questions, and pretty much went "Yep, textbook depression. I'm definitely kicking you back to work to get you going socially again, but here are some sleeping pills to get you sleeping". He also put me on a queue to see another psychologist, and about three weeks later (one week ago now), I met her the first time. Let's just say I pretty much broke down at that point, but that was kindof the plan, I guess. I had taken the whole day off, and it was on a friday, so I did have the weekend to recover. I kinda needed it.
Anyway, I met with her again this last friday as well, and we pretty much went through it bit by bit. I've always known my problem (essentially, it all boils down to trust, which isn't surprising since I was bullied pretty much constantly in "basic school" (the first nine years over here), as well as all the rejections and never really having anyone I could actually trust without them stabbing me in the back). I still don't trust anyone, really. I'm the only one with keys to my apartment, and I've never told anyone (before now) what was wrong with me; everyone at work (including the two friends I mentioned earlier) thinks that I just couldn't sleep, and that the only cure was sleeping pills. I haven't really explained my two absent fridays, but I'm not sure what they think about that; I'm guessing they think I'm just overworked and that I'm still not back 100%, but we've never really talked about it.
Obviously, my psychologists suggestion was pretty simple to figure out before I even went there: to share it with one of my friends. Put bluntly, I can't really do that at this point in time, since... well, we work together, and on the off-chance that they reject me afterwards (and that is an extremely slim chance), we'd still have to meet up at work afterwards. And (as I think would happen, intellectually if not emotionally) she would just break down with me (and I'm fairly sure I'd break down), I can't be sure how much she'd tell other people about it, or how she'd change her behavior towards me. I'm fairly sure she'd have my own best in mind, but I've often noticed that those kind of things generally have a way to go awry, and she'd talk to people about it that I wouldn't want her to talk to.
So... That kinda brings me to here. I have to start somewhere, and you guys are the only ones I can really talk to about it (considering the anonymity that a computer screen gives me). It's probably not as cartharcic (?) as it needs to be, but at least it's better than keeping it all bottled up and just keeping it to myself.
So. The reason I stopped sleeping well... I honestly think it all has to do with one of my coworkers. As I said, I've been single for... well, for 36 years now, so I'm kindof clumsy socially. Anyway, we got a new addition at the department I used to work at; I'm pretty handy with computers, so I pretty much kept everything running with the computer systems (not that the head of that department can't manage, but I can do a lot more than she can). This new addition was her new assistant, and I kindof fell for her in a big way. Every time in the past, I've never really been able to see me being with anyone, but with her, it just... yeah, it feels right. We're both vegetarians, we're very similar politically, we both have the same kind of humor... we simply connect. There's only one issue, and that is that she's 13 years younger than I am. Yes, I know "age is just a number", but... well, first of all, people would talk. That's just natural. Second, I fear that she'd grow apart from me over the years, and... well, I'd be back at where I started, only now I'd actually know what it was I've been missing all these years (and that's probably what's been keeping me going; since I've always been alone, I've never really know any other life and could compare it).
Don't get me wrong, I've not avoided her or anything. If anything, I've been over the top with my flirting ("Oh yes, I agree with you completely! What am I agreeing with this time?", "I'd do everything for you *flutter eyelashes*" etc etc), and she hasn't exactly been chased away by it, so I'm not sure what she's feeling for me. To me, it essentially feels like we've been tip-toeing around eachother. Or rather, we were, until two of our coworkers decided to meddle. The first overheard me doing my usual preaching of her virtues, and essentially went "So, new boyfriend?"... at which point she quickly got a shirt that my crush had in her hands thrown at her. Two days later, another coworker came over to us and asked how the lovebirds were doing (at which point my crush simply went "Can't people just leave us alone?", which again I've probably overanalysed to bits by now.
Anyway. I'm at a different department, and even though I still see her from time to time, we don't work side by side (at least not for now; odds are I'll be shifted back to my old apartment when the workload there picks up, considering I accidentally broke four or five records last year when I headed it). We still talk, we still have fun, but it's more relaxed now, so I think that's for the best (at least, as I said, for now).
Anyway, I think it's time to round off this one. While I've been extremely down these last few months, at least it's getting better, so there's no need to worry about me. Hopefully I'll be able to work up the courage to speak to someone other than my psychologist about this face to face, but... yeah; as I said, trust isn't exactly a big point with me right now. One day though.
And that about wraps it up, I think. Sorry if it got a bit incoherent (I haven't gone back and changed anything written, so I'm not sure how much it makes sense), but if you're with me this far, thanks for reading.
I'm so glad to hear that you're seeing someone about your depression. Coming here and sharing this shows me that you're making progress on this, and even though you might feel like you don't trust anybody, you clearly trust this community to some extent to share what you did. Things get better a tiny bit at a time, and to me it surely looks like you've already taken some of those small steps towards recovery. Keep going. I believe in you.
7
SylandraJoin Queue for Mafia GamesThe Last Mafia Game
So. The reason I stopped sleeping well... I honestly think it all has to do with one of my coworkers. As I said, I've been single for... well, for 36 years now, so I'm kindof clumsy socially. Anyway, we got a new addition at the department I used to work at; I'm pretty handy with computers, so I pretty much kept everything running with the computer systems (not that the head of that department can't manage, but I can do a lot more than she can). This new addition was her new assistant, and I kindof fell for her in a big way. Every time in the past, I've never really been able to see me being with anyone, but with her, it just... yeah, it feels right. We're both vegetarians, we're very similar politically, we both have the same kind of humor... we simply connect. There's only one issue, and that is that she's 13 years younger than I am. Yes, I know "age is just a number", but... well, first of all, people would talk. That's just natural. Second, I fear that she'd grow apart from me over the years, and... well, I'd be back at where I started, only now I'd actually know what it was I've been missing all these years (and that's probably what's been keeping me going; since I've always been alone, I've never really know any other life and could compare it).
Don't get me wrong, I've not avoided her or anything. If anything, I've been over the top with my flirting ("Oh yes, I agree with you completely! What am I agreeing with this time?", "I'd do everything for you *flutter eyelashes*" etc etc), and she hasn't exactly been chased away by it, so I'm not sure what she's feeling for me. To me, it essentially feels like we've been tip-toeing around eachother. Or rather, we were, until two of our coworkers decided to meddle. The first overheard me doing my usual preaching of her virtues, and essentially went "So, new boyfriend?"... at which point she quickly got a shirt that my crush had in her hands thrown at her. Two days later, another coworker came over to us and asked how the lovebirds were doing (at which point my crush simply went "Can't people just leave us alone?", which again I've probably overanalysed to bits by now.
@Ssaliss I only really know you from mafia games and your amazing shopkeeping in Lusternia, but I've always respected you and enjoyed your presence on the forums. I want to echo what Phoebus and Siam said, and though I can't speak for depression, I want to add something that you mentioned about relationships that I feel I want to speak on (This isn't meant to be anything but validation and affirmation; you can do whatever you like, of course, with how you proceed in your interactions with this woman):
There is no one true way to have a relationship. There is no one way to be attracted to another human being. There is no "Failure" that comes with not being in a relationship, or that comes with not having been in one for a long time, or ever. There is nothing wrong with where you currently are romantically.I promise.
And you absolutely do not have to have lost someone to learn how to love someone.
Relationships are first and foremost about people. They're about finding someone and getting to know them, and showing them care and attention in a way that they, individually, appreciate. You could have been in fifty past relationships, but every time you meet a new person, you're starting again from nothing. You're learning all there is to know about this particular individual, what makes them laugh, what makes them cry, the things they cling to when the world starts to fall apart. And that's new for everyone at the start. Even the "pros" who've dated around and seem suave and cool. Every person is different; what it all boils down to is getting to understand the person you're with.
Which is to say, if you're anxious because this woman is a bit younger than you, that really only matters if she decides it matters, or if you decide it matters. Even if it turns out that your crush doesn't feel the way about you that you feel about her, it's nothing that indicates your personal, inherent value as a partner. I promise. I swear. After all, there are so many people in the world; we can't all be attracted to each other (imagine how that world would look). The good news is it takes only one other person who feels the way you feel.
I know this was inspired by only one, tiny, small, insignificant detail in a larger post, but I wanted to say that. I hope everything goes well for you, in every sense of the word.
"Oh yeah, you're a naughty mayor, aren't you? Misfile that Form MA631-D. Comptroller Shevat's got a nice gemstone disc for you, but yer gonna have to beg for it."
I stopped to believe in humanity years ago. I don't want to talk about my problems and depression here and I don't expect to be understood (the psychiatrist option didn't work at all. How could it even work?! Completely useless. The only "good" part was the prescription that allowed me to take antidepressants since 2012 but they're not working 100% obviously since the problems are always there....so,eh...)
But it's always good to know that there are some people here and there who have enough sensitivity to worry about others. I appreciate it.
Y'all made me cry, I needed to see this thread, so this post doubles as a bump the thread and a thank you and whatever else.
I am a sicky, someone who is perpetually ill, usually with more than one thing at a time. Concurrent disorders is the technical term, I guess. But I frequently end up in hospital, which sucks.
I try to bounce around and bring cheer to lots of people IC with whatever weird/endearing humor I can muster-- if I ever seem absent for a little bit, I have not abandoned you. I'm probably just trying to take care of me
Being sick all the time can put me in a dark place sometimes, and Lusternia has actually been super lovely in bringing me out of that dark place quite a few times with the beautiful writing and dynamics that y'all lovely folks have collectively built.
So thank you for this incredible community and creative escape.
And perpetual mentally and physically ill folks, you are not alone!
I don't have much experience with depression from an internal point of view, but speaking as the widow of a man who struggled greatly for a decade before taking his life, I am here if you need someone. I lived with him for three years (after a year and a half long distance), and he tried to cold turkey his depression meds rather than own up to me that he was taking them early in the relationship. It did not work out, and I was there as he went back through retitrating and all that, and I was with him close to the end even though we were separating, as he struggled through an identity crisis that had roots in previous relationships, including with his family.
I may not struggle myself, but I've watched it up close and personal and seen it destroy. In the end, one of the professed reasons for my husband choosing to end it was to spare me the trouble of a divorce.
I don't like to see anyone struggle with their demons - so if you need a helping hand, please let me know. I won't judge you, I won't berate you, I'll simply be there with whatever you need from me.
My skype name is Kiarlea, discord is Tamsin#6468. I am on Facebook as /robinkara. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you feel like you're falling. Everybody needs a safety net sometimes.
This week has been a rough week for me. It is the anniversary
of events that led me to the brink of suicide almost 2 years ago. I have spend
years and years trying to cope with those events on my own by being constantly
active. I volunteered for every mission, I did volunteer work and if I had
nothing else I played games. I polarized towards strict and fully withdrawn in
real life and overemotional and clingy in Lusternia (those that know my alt
will be able to attest to that). I actually left Lusternia because of the
second part. And in the end I did
nothing but sleep and work, I had no energy for anything else.
Anyway I had myself voluntarily admitted to a closed
psych ward and while I was there I actually regained hope and some self-confidence together with a bunch of labels like PTSS.
But the day hospital afterwards ruined quite a bit of that. I left the day
clinic on advise of my military psychiatrist and also resigned my commission to
find a new job to take me away from similar situations. Right after resigning I
fell in a bit of a black hole because I also lost all medical support, then the
terror attacks in Brussels happened and I was fully doped up on adrenaline during
the entire first response there. But afterwards every bit of willpower I had
left was used up and I ended up crying for god knows how long. That crying
actually helped, and I slowly am trying to get my life together again by
getting a new job, trying to make new friends (surprisingly hard past 30) and
just trying to find things I love. However I still think about the initial
events, they still hurt, and I have spells of dark thoughts and I while I know
I should speak to someone in those case I generally do not build up the courage
to do so.
Writing this helped for today though, so thank you for
making this topic.
This post has no set format, it was written as I thought of it.
This thread is typically largely upsetting for me to read.
I see so many people who seem incredibly broken find something that works.
A large part of it is likely envy for the support shown to them.
Do you ever feel like less than human? Like you'll never be more than who you were say five years ago? No matter how hard you run from it?
I used to think I was just lonely, so I made friends. But as soon as these people aren't in my immediate area to talk to, I feel empty. I thought maybe it's because I didn't have a social life like my friends did, so I went to parties, did the drugs, sex, and alcohol bit. But on the ride home, the same hollow feeling returned. So I thought maybe my fear of being poor/broke was the reason I was always low, so I started working as much as I could, dedicating 11-13 hours of my day between two jobs. But the same fucking feeling always finds its way back.
I've went to get professional help after I thought it was a legitimately okay for me to drive in the opposite lane but backed out of it right before I got to the point of doing it.
I've had medicine, therapy, tried religion, tried keeping busy, pursuing my dreams.
Everything just leaves me feeling empty.
I feel the only reason I keep going is that maybe, one day, I can be one of the people who "beat" "it" and encourage others who are fighting "it".
Disorderly post is disorderly.
The deep, rumbling voice of Weiwae says from within your heart, "I am so happy to hear of your progress, and I thank you for bringing my influence over more shards of My Brother Tae."
I'm in the middle of a rough week. Thank you to everyone who has, knowingly or not, aware of the severity or not, been present for me the last few days.
From (the middle of) my experience, I must say: Reach out. Talk to someone. I am terrible at asking for help or admiting I do not have things together, but there really is no room for that pride at this point. Doctors, therapists, friends, family. Do not write off your Lusternian friends because they are not "real," they care too. Ask for help, and sooner rather than later. It feels like the only thing I have done right this week, but I think it is critically important.
Just lost someone else in my life to suicide. We weren't super close, but I'm dealing a bit with the aftermath that their loved ones still here are facing.
If you're facing tough things, get help. Call someone. Text someone. There is never anything you can't come back from. It's never too late. Please. I had to call a crisis line a few weeks ago. There's no shame in it.
Furthermore, I'm kind of living proof that things improve. A few months of DBT and my life has changed so much. I never thought it'd happen.
If I can help anyone in any way please let me know.
Flames erupt from the caldera below as a distorted voice echoes, "Their spirit must be broken if they wish to be reborn as true warriors."
I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this here, but after thinking about it for a long while I decided if it helps anyone, it would be worth it. I give to you the other side of the coin, what happens to everyone else when you're gone.
About a week ago, I was awoken very early in the morning to my girlfriend standing by our bed sobbing. Her best friend had killed herself the night before. When you decide to take your own life, you don't get rid of the pain, you pass it on to someone else, your family, your friends, co-workers. You leave burning holes in their hearts with questions of, why? Could I have done something? These linger forever. All this week I've had to sit helpless watching my girlfriends heartbreak over and over. Never would I want this for anyone else, I cannot imagine the pain she's going through.
If you're hurting let someone know, there are hotlines, chatrooms, there are places you can go, we have a Lusternia discord you can come on to talk to people. Talk to your doctor, sometimes your body has a chemical imbalance that makes you feel that way, medication to keep you happy and healthy isn't a crutch.
You can't tell how badly someone is hurting from the outside, emotional pain doesn't leave a bruise. You're not an island, although you may feel alone even with people around you. People will miss you, people will be hurt if you're gone. Life gets hard sometimes, it can be a downright bastard, but it can get better. So if not for yourself, do it for the ones who will inherit your pain.
So... I know no one really knows me that well here, but certain real-life-issues make it difficult to think about anything else at the moment. And then I found this thread. If I wrote this anywhere else there's a better chance of it getting back to people that know me better but have no idea what's going on. So humor me a moment.
I can't sleep at night, because I think about death constantly these past few months. I'm tired, and angry, and feel guilty about what happened, cause I'm pretty sure it was about a choice I made. But from the outside, I don't tell people or talk about it, cause I have too much else to deal with grad school and bills. It's not possible to deal with everything, so I pretend nothing is wrong.
My point is, suicide, attempted suicide, it doesn't just affect you. The people who care about you- and they exist, even if you don't believe it- it will hurt them, even if you never see it. I understand thinking that they'd be better off or happier with you gone, because I felt that myself for many years in my own struggles with depression. But it's just not true.
No matter how angry someone is with you, whatever choices you make in life, failures you have- they are still better off with you around than they would be if you killed yourself. We're worth so much more than we realize to those around us, especially if we're struggling with depression. Take care of yourselves.
I am a successful sonofabitch IRL, and probably the best player ever to grace Lusternia's servers. But I also grapple with death anxiety that is so bad it has made me want to die (I just want to you stop and think about how little sense that makes. Welcome to the V-Zone...). Depression too.
A couple of years ago a student came into my office presenting with poor grades, and it quickly became clear that her grades were the very least of her problems. She awkwardly started not talking about her depression, and damned near fell off her chair when I told her I was on meds for the same problems she didn't want to tell me about. Her grades improved. She finished the year.
In summary: I have been told by so many damned people how confident/carefree/successful/gifted/what-the-hell-ever I am that I've actually stopped believing that people are making fun of me. I now accept that that is how I look from the outside. More fool you, people outside.
In conclusion: No matter how fricked up you feel, stop. Look around you at the people who aren't fricked up, and I can absolutely guarantee you that a sizeable proportion of them are.
Comments
(Not saying that I would recommend seeking someone out OOCly, but I'm sure you'll have friends here, both ICly and OOCly.)
Its really enjoyable but sometimes I do feel a bit like "AHH HELP! MUST TRY HARDER TO IMPRESS!" and then its panic time and I feel a bit flat footed
Enjoy the game and from what I've seen of you so far you'll fit in really well.
Person says, "Thanks."
and
With a smile, Person says, "Thank you!"
Just that little bit lets me know you're putting effort in, and I'm far more likely to do some bigger, more in-depth emotes and conversations back.
The people who are known for their amazing RP developed it over time, over years, and remember where they started. They'll help you along with tips and tricks, and they'll never look down at you for not being as "impressive". After all, the more fun you're having in RP, the more fun they're having!
It's even worse when things I know nothing about are brought up, or there's more than one person RPing around me. I sort of just shut down and keep quiet.
That said: Don't shut down. Maybe it'll be easier to participate if you aren't feeling like you need to be "perfect". Give it a shot!
Tonight amidst the mountaintops
And endless starless night
Singing how the wind was lost
Before an earthly flight
I've always looked at the thread of this title with a little bit of a chuckle. "You Are Not Alone"... But what if your problem is that you are? Because that's kindof where I am, and have always been. I've never really had any friends, and a girlfriend is so far off it's not even funny. I guess it's because every time I've asked, it's always been "no", ranging from a friendly "I like you too, but as a friend" (or brother, etc) to the more hostile slaps, kicks, and even a few "Eww"s. After 35 years of that, well, I've kinda given up on it. Not sure what's wrong with me, but if Hitler can have three wives, and seral murderers can have girlfriend after girlfriend, I'm apparently worse than they are.
On the "friends" part of the spectrum, I simply have none. At least none that are close enough that I can speak to them outside of work (right now, I'd possibly consider two people friends, but again, we never speak outside of work). Essentially, my whole social world is "work" and "parents and brothers". That's it. And it's been that way for... well, the last 15 years, since I left university (and at that point, you could simply replace "work" with "school").
Essentially, it's all built up to a point where I'm pretty depressed about it. I've always had low points during the year (generally around spring; probably no surprise there), but this year, I never really bounced back from that. I've had problems sleeping for the last... half year or so (I might go into a possible trigger for that point, we'll see), and it all came to a head about two months ago. As usual, I hadn't slept properly (normally I sleep roughly 8 hours, but during that half year I generally slept 5-6 hours), and I was feeling like crap at work. So I went home after about half the day, and rested up. I was off for two more days, and at that point I felt like I was kinda ready to go back. Well, I wasn't. The night before my next work day, I simply couldn't sleep. I called in sick again about 2 AM. After that, I pretty much hit a wall. Nothing really meant anything anymore, and my days essentially became trying to find something to do until it was time to sleep again.
After a week of not bouncing back from it, I went to the doctor to see what could be done. That doctor referred me to a "workplace physician" (essentially, my employer pays for that health care) since it started at work. I went there, and spoke to one person. She referred me onwards to a psychologist, and, well, we kinda put down a base line of how much everything sucked for me at that point. Unfortunately, though, she was paid by my job, and I kinda don't want my employers to find out too much about me being depressed (not that I think they'd fire me, but it's a very... well, complex work place; I have four bosses at work, and three of them have various relations there; the one in charge of me has a girlfriend in the department I've switched to, and another of my bosses have a sister that is the head of another department (which I used to be in, so we know eachother well), whose husband is the head of the department I'm in now. The third boss is an extreme chatter, and also has a girlfriend at a department I used to be at pretty often in the past. Essentially, I didn't really see any reality where the whole warehouse didn't find out exactly what was wrong with me.
That lead to me going back to the first care center, and I got to see a fourth person, and restart the whole process again. I was pretty evasive about why I didn't continue at the workplace physician, since I didn't want to be redirected there again. That one doctor was probably the best of the bunch. He asked the right questions, and pretty much went "Yep, textbook depression. I'm definitely kicking you back to work to get you going socially again, but here are some sleeping pills to get you sleeping". He also put me on a queue to see another psychologist, and about three weeks later (one week ago now), I met her the first time. Let's just say I pretty much broke down at that point, but that was kindof the plan, I guess. I had taken the whole day off, and it was on a friday, so I did have the weekend to recover. I kinda needed it.
Anyway, I met with her again this last friday as well, and we pretty much went through it bit by bit. I've always known my problem (essentially, it all boils down to trust, which isn't surprising since I was bullied pretty much constantly in "basic school" (the first nine years over here), as well as all the rejections and never really having anyone I could actually trust without them stabbing me in the back). I still don't trust anyone, really. I'm the only one with keys to my apartment, and I've never told anyone (before now) what was wrong with me; everyone at work (including the two friends I mentioned earlier) thinks that I just couldn't sleep, and that the only cure was sleeping pills. I haven't really explained my two absent fridays, but I'm not sure what they think about that; I'm guessing they think I'm just overworked and that I'm still not back 100%, but we've never really talked about it.
Obviously, my psychologists suggestion was pretty simple to figure out before I even went there: to share it with one of my friends. Put bluntly, I can't really do that at this point in time, since... well, we work together, and on the off-chance that they reject me afterwards (and that is an extremely slim chance), we'd still have to meet up at work afterwards. And (as I think would happen, intellectually if not emotionally) she would just break down with me (and I'm fairly sure I'd break down), I can't be sure how much she'd tell other people about it, or how she'd change her behavior towards me. I'm fairly sure she'd have my own best in mind, but I've often noticed that those kind of things generally have a way to go awry, and she'd talk to people about it that I wouldn't want her to talk to.
So... That kinda brings me to here. I have to start somewhere, and you guys are the only ones I can really talk to about it (considering the anonymity that a computer screen gives me). It's probably not as cartharcic (?) as it needs to be, but at least it's better than keeping it all bottled up and just keeping it to myself.
So. The reason I stopped sleeping well... I honestly think it all has to do with one of my coworkers. As I said, I've been single for... well, for 36 years now, so I'm kindof clumsy socially. Anyway, we got a new addition at the department I used to work at; I'm pretty handy with computers, so I pretty much kept everything running with the computer systems (not that the head of that department can't manage, but I can do a lot more than she can). This new addition was her new assistant, and I kindof fell for her in a big way. Every time in the past, I've never really been able to see me being with anyone, but with her, it just... yeah, it feels right. We're both vegetarians, we're very similar politically, we both have the same kind of humor... we simply connect. There's only one issue, and that is that she's 13 years younger than I am. Yes, I know "age is just a number", but... well, first of all, people would talk. That's just natural. Second, I fear that she'd grow apart from me over the years, and... well, I'd be back at where I started, only now I'd actually know what it was I've been missing all these years (and that's probably what's been keeping me going; since I've always been alone, I've never really know any other life and could compare it).
Don't get me wrong, I've not avoided her or anything. If anything, I've been over the top with my flirting ("Oh yes, I agree with you completely! What am I agreeing with this time?", "I'd do everything for you *flutter eyelashes*" etc etc), and she hasn't exactly been chased away by it, so I'm not sure what she's feeling for me. To me, it essentially feels like we've been tip-toeing around eachother. Or rather, we were, until two of our coworkers decided to meddle. The first overheard me doing my usual preaching of her virtues, and essentially went "So, new boyfriend?"... at which point she quickly got a shirt that my crush had in her hands thrown at her. Two days later, another coworker came over to us and asked how the lovebirds were doing (at which point my crush simply went "Can't people just leave us alone?", which again I've probably overanalysed to bits by now.
Anyway. I'm at a different department, and even though I still see her from time to time, we don't work side by side (at least not for now; odds are I'll be shifted back to my old apartment when the workload there picks up, considering I accidentally broke four or five records last year when I headed it). We still talk, we still have fun, but it's more relaxed now, so I think that's for the best (at least, as I said, for now).
Anyway, I think it's time to round off this one. While I've been extremely down these last few months, at least it's getting better, so there's no need to worry about me. Hopefully I'll be able to work up the courage to speak to someone other than my psychologist about this face to face, but... yeah; as I said, trust isn't exactly a big point with me right now. One day though.
And that about wraps it up, I think. Sorry if it got a bit incoherent (I haven't gone back and changed anything written, so I'm not sure how much it makes sense), but if you're with me this far, thanks for reading.
Thank you for sharing this. Baby steps, baby steps - I'm sure things will get better if you keep at it. Just don't give up!
Don't get me wrong, I've not avoided her or anything. If anything, I've been over the top with my flirting ("Oh yes, I agree with you completely! What am I agreeing with this time?", "I'd do everything for you *flutter eyelashes*" etc etc), and she hasn't exactly been chased away by it, so I'm not sure what she's feeling for me. To me, it essentially feels like we've been tip-toeing around eachother. Or rather, we were, until two of our coworkers decided to meddle. The first overheard me doing my usual preaching of her virtues, and essentially went "So, new boyfriend?"... at which point she quickly got a shirt that my crush had in her hands thrown at her. Two days later, another coworker came over to us and asked how the lovebirds were doing (at which point my crush simply went "Can't people just leave us alone?", which again I've probably overanalysed to bits by now.
@Ssaliss I only really know you from mafia games and your amazing shopkeeping in Lusternia, but I've always respected you and enjoyed your presence on the forums. I want to echo what Phoebus and Siam said, and though I can't speak for depression, I want to add something that you mentioned about relationships that I feel I want to speak on (This isn't meant to be anything but validation and affirmation; you can do whatever you like, of course, with how you proceed in your interactions with this woman):
There is no one true way to have a relationship. There is no one way to be attracted to another human being. There is no "Failure" that comes with not being in a relationship, or that comes with not having been in one for a long time, or ever. There is nothing wrong with where you currently are romantically. I promise.
And you absolutely do not have to have lost someone to learn how to love someone.
Relationships are first and foremost about people. They're about finding someone and getting to know them, and showing them care and attention in a way that they, individually, appreciate. You could have been in fifty past relationships, but every time you meet a new person, you're starting again from nothing. You're learning all there is to know about this particular individual, what makes them laugh, what makes them cry, the things they cling to when the world starts to fall apart. And that's new for everyone at the start. Even the "pros" who've dated around and seem suave and cool. Every person is different; what it all boils down to is getting to understand the person you're with.
Which is to say, if you're anxious because this woman is a bit younger than you, that really only matters if she decides it matters, or if you decide it matters. Even if it turns out that your crush doesn't feel the way about you that you feel about her, it's nothing that indicates your personal, inherent value as a partner. I promise. I swear. After all, there are so many people in the world; we can't all be attracted to each other (imagine how that world would look). The good news is it takes only one other person who feels the way you feel.
I know this was inspired by only one, tiny, small, insignificant detail in a larger post, but I wanted to say that. I hope everything goes well for you, in every sense of the word.
But it's always good to know that there are some people here and there who have enough sensitivity to worry about others. I appreciate it.
I am a sicky, someone who is perpetually ill, usually with more than one thing at a time. Concurrent disorders is the technical term, I guess. But I frequently end up in hospital, which sucks.
I try to bounce around and bring cheer to lots of people IC with whatever weird/endearing humor I can muster-- if I ever seem absent for a little bit, I have not abandoned you. I'm probably just trying to take care of me
Being sick all the time can put me in a dark place sometimes, and Lusternia has actually been super lovely in bringing me out of that dark place quite a few times with the beautiful writing and dynamics that y'all lovely folks have collectively built.
So thank you for this incredible community and creative escape.
And perpetual mentally and physically ill folks, you are not alone!
I don't have much experience with depression from an internal point of view, but speaking as the widow of a man who struggled greatly for a decade before taking his life, I am here if you need someone. I lived with him for three years (after a year and a half long distance), and he tried to cold turkey his depression meds rather than own up to me that he was taking them early in the relationship. It did not work out, and I was there as he went back through retitrating and all that, and I was with him close to the end even though we were separating, as he struggled through an identity crisis that had roots in previous relationships, including with his family.
I may not struggle myself, but I've watched it up close and personal and seen it destroy. In the end, one of the professed reasons for my husband choosing to end it was to spare me the trouble of a divorce.
I don't like to see anyone struggle with their demons - so if you need a helping hand, please let me know. I won't judge you, I won't berate you, I'll simply be there with whatever you need from me.
My skype name is Kiarlea, discord is Tamsin#6468. I am on Facebook as /robinkara. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you feel like you're falling. Everybody needs a safety net sometimes.
This week has been a rough week for me. It is the anniversary of events that led me to the brink of suicide almost 2 years ago. I have spend years and years trying to cope with those events on my own by being constantly active. I volunteered for every mission, I did volunteer work and if I had nothing else I played games. I polarized towards strict and fully withdrawn in real life and overemotional and clingy in Lusternia (those that know my alt will be able to attest to that). I actually left Lusternia because of the second part. And in the end I did nothing but sleep and work, I had no energy for anything else.
Anyway I had myself voluntarily admitted to a closed psych ward and while I was there I actually regained hope and some self-confidence together with a bunch of labels like PTSS. But the day hospital afterwards ruined quite a bit of that. I left the day clinic on advise of my military psychiatrist and also resigned my commission to find a new job to take me away from similar situations. Right after resigning I fell in a bit of a black hole because I also lost all medical support, then the terror attacks in Brussels happened and I was fully doped up on adrenaline during the entire first response there. But afterwards every bit of willpower I had left was used up and I ended up crying for god knows how long. That crying actually helped, and I slowly am trying to get my life together again by getting a new job, trying to make new friends (surprisingly hard past 30) and just trying to find things I love. However I still think about the initial events, they still hurt, and I have spells of dark thoughts and I while I know I should speak to someone in those case I generally do not build up the courage to do so.
Writing this helped for today though, so thank you for making this topic.
From (the middle of) my experience, I must say: Reach out. Talk to someone. I am terrible at asking for help or admiting I do not have things together, but there really is no room for that pride at this point. Doctors, therapists, friends, family. Do not write off your Lusternian friends because they are not "real," they care too. Ask for help, and sooner rather than later. It feels like the only thing I have done right this week, but I think it is critically important.
If you're facing tough things, get help. Call someone. Text someone. There is never anything you can't come back from. It's never too late. Please. I had to call a crisis line a few weeks ago. There's no shame in it.
Furthermore, I'm kind of living proof that things improve. A few months of DBT and my life has changed so much. I never thought it'd happen.
If I can help anyone in any way please let me know.
I can't sleep at night, because I think about death constantly these past few months. I'm tired, and angry, and feel guilty about what happened, cause I'm pretty sure it was about a choice I made. But from the outside, I don't tell people or talk about it, cause I have too much else to deal with grad school and bills. It's not possible to deal with everything, so I pretend nothing is wrong.
My point is, suicide, attempted suicide, it doesn't just affect you. The people who care about you- and they exist, even if you don't believe it- it will hurt them, even if you never see it. I understand thinking that they'd be better off or happier with you gone, because I felt that myself for many years in my own struggles with depression. But it's just not true.
No matter how angry someone is with you, whatever choices you make in life, failures you have- they are still better off with you around than they would be if you killed yourself. We're worth so much more than we realize to those around us, especially if we're struggling with depression. Take care of yourselves.
I am a successful sonofabitch IRL, and probably the best player ever to grace Lusternia's servers. But I also grapple with death anxiety that is so bad it has made me want to die (I just want to you stop and think about how little sense that makes. Welcome to the V-Zone...). Depression too.
A couple of years ago a student came into my office presenting with poor grades, and it quickly became clear that her grades were the very least of her problems. She awkwardly started not talking about her depression, and damned near fell off her chair when I told her I was on meds for the same problems she didn't want to tell me about. Her grades improved. She finished the year.
In summary: I have been told by so many damned people how confident/carefree/successful/gifted/what-the-hell-ever I am that I've actually stopped believing that people are making fun of me. I now accept that that is how I look from the outside. More fool you, people outside.
In conclusion: No matter how fricked up you feel, stop. Look around you at the people who aren't fricked up, and I can absolutely guarantee you that a sizeable proportion of them are.
You are not alone.