Ymuli, I'm sorry all that happened to you. What would really be nice is if in public spaces other people called out when a jerk harasses you.
I am so grateful that this was the case the only time something like this has happened to me. On one of the days I actually felt comfortable enough to go out of the house in a skirt, some winner decided it would be cool to lift it up and look at my behind. My brain had barely processed anything other than "WHAT." when another guy nearby gave the rude dude the business for doing that. I don't even know what my reaction would have been if someone else hadn't intervened. There's that moment where your mind just goes completely blank and the situation doesn't even feel real that makes it difficult to react in defense of yourself (physically or otherwise) unless it's something you've been trained to do.
I don't doubt that the advice on self-defense was meant well, but there are some people who see that and are immediately reminded of the less well-meaning sentiment of "if you just knew how to defend yourself, this wouldn't happen," which places the blame for the incident on the victim. I know you guys aren't saying that, but it's important to keep in mind that it's a disgustingly common belief, and to be mindful that some people might see comments such as those as being a result of it.
Being trained properly for self-defense is a good thing if you're the sort of person who is into that (I tried to learn, but it turns out I can't hit people even for pretend sparring without wanting to weep from guilt, so that's off the table for me.) Training allows you to get past the initial stunned shock and stand up for yourself when there's no one around to do it for you. Simply carrying a weapon or knowing the good places to hit someone without training in their use is far less useful, because if you haven't been trained to react quickly, you probably won't even get the chance to use it. And any way you slice it, self-defense is still something that comes after the problem has already occurred. It won't stop it from happening. Maybe it could prevent escalation if the person was more than a garden-variety groper, but the initial incident can't be undone.
(Oops, I accidentally typed way more than I planned to, sorry for the text block.)
3
EveriineWise Old Swordsbird / BrontaurIndianapolis, IN, USA
I don't think the comments were saying, "If you defend yourself it won't happen." It was just a suggestion for making the guy pay for being a dick.
Also, we have AMAZINGLY POOR sex education. Ridiculously poor. Combine that with a masculinity complex, entitlement, rape culture, and we've got a recipe for disaster. And we have very loud people actively campaigning to make this problem worse, not better. I'm baffled by it, I truly am.
Everiine is a man, and is very manly. This MAN before you is so manly you might as well just gender bend right now, cause he's the manliest man that you ever did see. His manly shape has spurned many women and girlyer men to boughs of fainting. He stands before you in a manly manerific typical man-like outfit which is covered in his manly motto: "I am a man!"
Daraius said: You gotta risk it for the biscuit.
Pony power all the way, yo. The more Brontaurs the better.
I don't think the comments were saying, "If you defend yourself it won't happen." It was just a suggestion for making the guy pay for being a dick.
Also, we have AMAZINGLY POOR sex education. Ridiculously poor. Combine that with a masculinity complex, entitlement, rape culture, and we've got a recipe for disaster. And we have very loud people actively campaigning to make this problem worse, not better. I'm baffled by it, I truly am.
Sorry, I tried to make it clear that I understood that. I was just trying to offer up an explanation as to why someone might take what they'd said as anything other than well-meaning advice.
It's not as bad in Australia in terms of sex education. We cover it in at least two separate subjects, or at least, we did when I was still in school. But we do have a greater distance from religion in schools so there's less preoccupation with teaching abstinence as a viable method of controlling teenage sexuality.
That being said, there seems to be a backlash lately about the concepts of feminism and it being uncool to try to be a respectful partner. (No matter the gender, really.)
Wildeflower Aramel Strongleaf says to Xiran, "My cousin's attitude to life is rather like her attitude towards cake - to have everything, and at once, and lots of it."
Thanks for the advice, fellas. Remember girls, when you get sexually violated by strangers, it's your responsibility to attack first and register what is happening to you later!
I get the feeling that in Talan's eyes, I'm going to lose this conversation no matter what. But hey, here we go.
People suck. Live in a major metropolitan area and utilize public transportation, and odds are something like this is going to happen. Is it right? No. Absolutely not. In a better world, some gal or guy who sees the violation would call attention to it as Sylandra said. Unfortunately, far too many people have a "not my problem" attitude that's reprehensible. Since that's likely going to be the case every time, it falls to the person being violated to make a judgement call. Attempt to remove yourself from the situation, or escalate the situation with a response. I'm a proponent of the former. If escalating becomes necessary, then having an idea of an action to take is better than not. The unsolicited advice is the same advice I've given my wife, sisters, sister in laws, pretty much any female in my circle that I even somewhat care about. I figured that having a response in mind, in case it comes to that, may in the future be of benefit to Ymuli.
You have my apologies for the unsolicited advice. But like I said, it's the same I shared with my loved ones.
I personally would rather see a guy walk away with a bruise than a smug sense of accomplishment and unearned self-worth in situations like this. If they're going to act like disgusting beasts and be all up in your business, make sure they know that it's not okay.
I'm not advocating physical violence here per se, but at least -say something- to the person. Better yet, call in the cops or at least let the bus driver know and let them handle it. Either way, you can't always depend on someone else to speak up for you. I understand that the shock might cause you to freeze up, but at the -very least- you can try giving the guy's description to the local authorities. He might be a repeat-offender, and wouldn't it be sweet if he got brought in again because he did something so stupid?
In short, don't let them get away with it.
Tonight amidst the mountaintops And endless starless night Singing how the wind was lost Before an earthly flight
@Ymuli, am so sorry this happened to you. It's people like that jerk that make others suffer for no other reason as their power trips. I hope you are going to be okay. :-(
In such a situation, your brain does not know how to react, it's something that locks you up and ties you down unless you have trained not to. For those who can actually go through it, self-defence training, especially martial arts training, helps. Not so much because you know how to hurt people, but because it trains your reflexes and gets you out of brain-freeze, at least it helped me to get out of the brain-freeze area. Your reaction in situations like the one Ymuli was in changes it's dynamics then. Doesn't mean that you have to resort to Violence nor should, but having higher chance for being able to do something helps. Also doesn't make it any easier :-(
I actually have to jump by @Tarkenton here. The world in which we live is one that is, in regard to such situations, very ungrateful and very uncaring. 95% of the time, people mind their own business first. There's a few who have the courage to put themselves in the line and I praise every one of them. It is definitely not as it should be and I would love for our world to allow us to walk without any harassment situation every getting to one of us, but sadly this is not current reality. :-(
I can not stress it enough. Look out for your peers, be you man or woman, boy or girl. Stand by your peers and let such things not go unnoticed. No one expects you to get into a fight, but you should speak up, call attention to it if you see it. It is hard, I know it very well. But not always we are able to fend for ourselves and then, having someone step up, even if it's just a "Hey, let her be.", helps a lot. But also, you don't help someone, usually, by putting your life in danger. If in doubt as an observer of such an situation, call for others for help, call officials that are around to attention, get others in your surrounding involved. Don't put yourself in danger, but act.
@Ymuli, I am very sorry and hope that you feel better soon. Every time I read about things like this, I ask myself what is wrong with our world.Why do jerks think that they have the right to act against the will of others?
I agree with the people before me, that basically it should not be necessary to have to constantly remind women about their safety and make them aware of defense techniques but rather teach guys not to behave like dicks. I often ask myself (especially after what happened in Cologne) what I would do if I got into a situation like this. I know a bit of Jiu Jitsu (and theoretically how to break bones) but I would probably be afraid to use it in fear of really hurting others and I am doing Kendo but that's not very handy for street defense. So I would probably do the same and freeze.
That is why I think there should be more awareness about this topic. Harsher penalties if the guys are caught would be one step and campaigns to call for more civil courage and help those in need would be another one. Because for those who are attacked it is probably very difficult to act because it might be an instinct to freeze instead of doing something, unless your brain is hardwired through training scenarios. So people should watch out for each other and help those who are directly affected.
2
Cyndarinused Flamethrower! It was super effective.
edited January 2016
I've had it with Lenovo. After spending hours trying to resolve a known wifi connectivity issue (it just drops connection over and over and you have to manually reconnect), now it won't even turn on. I've sent this thing in on 2 separate occasions for repairs, this would end up being the third in a year and a half.
I've given up, going to go blow my tax return/year end bonus on a macbook. Overpriced desk jewelry, I know, but I want nothing more than a reliable laptop and that's what I'll get.
Do not buy a Lenovo ideapad. Ever. You'll hate yourself in a year.
edit: Of course the Apple store is closed because of the snow. FUCK TECHNOLOGY AND NATURE.
I've had it with Lenovo. After spending hours trying to resolve a known wifi connectivity issue (it just drops connection over and over and you have to manually reconnect), now it won't even turn on. I've sent this thing in on 2 separate occasions for repairs, this would end up being the third in a year and a half.
I've given up, going to go blow my tax return/year end bonus on a macbook. Overpriced desk jewelry, I know, but I want nothing more than a reliable laptop and that's what I'll get.
Do not buy a Lenovo ideapad. Ever. You'll hate yourself in a year.
edit: Of course the Apple store is closed because of the snow. FUCK TECHNOLOGY AND NATURE.
I maintain that whatever IBM/Lenovo employee who made the decision to switch the position of the left-control and function keys on the Thinkpad laptops is the embodiment of Satan.
0
SylandraJoin Queue for Mafia GamesThe Last Mafia Game
My baby sister deals with pretty bad social anxiety. She freezes up at every potential situation for conflict and shuts down. Which is to say she copes, right or wrong, by being an extraordinarily passive person.
So when she was fourteen she rode the bus home from school. Her school was a bit out of the way so her stop was the last one on the bus. And by that point, she and a boy who was a "friend" of hers would be the last people on the bus. Every day.
And he harassed her on the bus. Every day. Once everyone else had gotten off at their stops.
She finally broke down and told us one day about it and how crap it made her feel. But she was afraid of getting him in trouble and then seeing him every day after. She was afraid because when she timidly said "no" he laughed at her. She was afraid because it kept happening no matter what body language she used.
So my mom started leaving work earlier to pick her up at a different bus stop. And that ended it.
I do agree defense training etc is good and can only help but the reality is that being harassed is frankly terrifying. The person doing it is usually bigger than you are and has already shown they don't care about your personal boundaries.
"Oh yeah, you're a naughty mayor, aren't you? Misfile that Form MA631-D. Comptroller Shevat's got a nice gemstone disc for you, but yer gonna have to beg for it."
Getting off the bus today, someone touched me inappropriately so that was quite upsetting. Get into work to discover that the monitor for the computer is down and making some unpleasant sound. IT takes an hour and a half to get back to me, I get yelled at by someone who didn't want to have to pay with cash, and then I have to go on an adventure around the mall to find a replacement monitor, be forced to leave my store closed for half an hour while waiting to purchase a new one, come back to people lining up outside the door, then struggle to unhook the old one (the cable was screwed in so firmly, and the little cable protector was rusting so it was way harder than it should have been) then install the new one while trying not to die from inhaling all the dust back there. Apparently we're not allowed to clean behind the computers because we might break something. Ugh.
This is why we carry pepper spray.
----
I'm a consent-based roleplayer! Kindly ask first, and I will return the favour. Open to developing tinyplots. Atlantis is my client of choice! (Guide)
2
Cyndarinused Flamethrower! It was super effective.
The MacBook is great! Not my favorite computer ever but seems reliable enough.
That being said, the Dota 2 client is literally non functional on it. Crashes, constant disconnects, etc. How is this even a thing.
It's 2016, why is the choice between computers an unreliable machine that everything works on or a reliable machine that nothing works on.
But we do have a greater distance from religion in schools so there's less preoccupation with teaching abstinence as a viable method of controlling teenage sexuality.
Absolutely depends on what state you're in. Some states absolutly cozy right close to religiously themed sexual education, teaching abstinence only to the exception of all other topics. I remember getting basic anatomy lessons as a kid, then a series of hilarious "If you ever have sex you will get lots of bad diseases and will be a social paraiah now and forever" videos (one a year) in middle school, and we had to take a single semester of health in high school that consisted of "If you ever do drugs you will get lots of bad diseases etc.etc."... and that's it.
0
SylandraJoin Queue for Mafia GamesThe Last Mafia Game
Enyalida, did we have the same sex ed class or what?
"Oh yeah, you're a naughty mayor, aren't you? Misfile that Form MA631-D. Comptroller Shevat's got a nice gemstone disc for you, but yer gonna have to beg for it."
0
Cyndarinused Flamethrower! It was super effective.
As someone who has to work with Apple products every day I can safely say that they've got all of you fooled.
Yes, it's desk jewelry. However, I will pay more to just hand my broken thing to X person and say FIX IT and know it'll be fixed. Or replaced. Basically it'll just be not my problem anymore.
Lenovo could not do this. Lenovo and I are no longer friends.
Just out of idle curiosity @Celina, what do you consider "break down". Crashes to Desktop? Bluescreens?
Edit: Other than the issue with your laptop turning on but your monitor staying black.
0
Cyndarinused Flamethrower! It was super effective.
Well now it goes into a loop of diagnosing and attempting to repair itself ad infinitum. I haven't been able to access BIOS or get the system restore to work.
Well now it goes into a loop of diagnosing and attempting to repair itself ad infinitum. I haven't been able to access BIOS or get the system restore to work.
This happened to me twice. Both times I had to essentially wipe it clean and start fresh. Also Lenovo.
Well now it goes into a loop of diagnosing and attempting to repair itself ad infinitum. I haven't been able to access BIOS or get the system restore to work.
Hmm. Well if you want to risk diving into the PC world again, take a look at Asus. I've been very happy with mine but its been three years so I cant speak to the quality of the company today.
Comments
Also, we have AMAZINGLY POOR sex education. Ridiculously poor. Combine that with a masculinity complex, entitlement, rape culture, and we've got a recipe for disaster. And we have very loud people actively campaigning to make this problem worse, not better. I'm baffled by it, I truly am.
That being said, there seems to be a backlash lately about the concepts of feminism and it being uncool to try to be a respectful partner. (No matter the gender, really.)
Tonight amidst the mountaintops
And endless starless night
Singing how the wind was lost
Before an earthly flight
In such a situation, your brain does not know how to react, it's something that locks you up and ties you down unless you have trained not to. For those who can actually go through it, self-defence training, especially martial arts training, helps. Not so much because you know how to hurt people, but because it trains your reflexes and gets you out of brain-freeze, at least it helped me to get out of the brain-freeze area. Your reaction in situations like the one Ymuli was in changes it's dynamics then. Doesn't mean that you have to resort to Violence nor should, but having higher chance for being able to do something helps. Also doesn't make it any easier :-(
I actually have to jump by @Tarkenton here. The world in which we live is one that is, in regard to such situations, very ungrateful and very uncaring. 95% of the time, people mind their own business first. There's a few who have the courage to put themselves in the line and I praise every one of them. It is definitely not as it should be and I would love for our world to allow us to walk without any harassment situation every getting to one of us, but sadly this is not current reality. :-(
I can not stress it enough. Look out for your peers, be you man or woman, boy or girl. Stand by your peers and let such things not go unnoticed. No one expects you to get into a fight, but you should speak up, call attention to it if you see it. It is hard, I know it very well. But not always we are able to fend for ourselves and then, having someone step up, even if it's just a "Hey, let her be.", helps a lot. But also, you don't help someone, usually, by putting your life in danger. If in doubt as an observer of such an situation, call for others for help, call officials that are around to attention, get others in your surrounding involved. Don't put yourself in danger, but act.
I maintain that whatever IBM/Lenovo employee who made the decision to switch the position of the left-control and function keys on the Thinkpad laptops is the embodiment of Satan.
So when she was fourteen she rode the bus home from school. Her school was a bit out of the way so her stop was the last one on the bus. And by that point, she and a boy who was a "friend" of hers would be the last people on the bus. Every day.
And he harassed her on the bus. Every day. Once everyone else had gotten off at their stops.
She finally broke down and told us one day about it and how crap it made her feel. But she was afraid of getting him in trouble and then seeing him every day after. She was afraid because when she timidly said "no" he laughed at her. She was afraid because it kept happening no matter what body language she used.
So my mom started leaving work earlier to pick her up at a different bus stop. And that ended it.
I do agree defense training etc is good and can only help but the reality is that being harassed is frankly terrifying. The person doing it is usually bigger than you are and has already shown they don't care about your personal boundaries.
I'm a consent-based roleplayer! Kindly ask first, and I will return the favour. Open to developing tinyplots.
Atlantis is my client of choice! (Guide)
What do you mean? The built-in obsolescence is a feature, not a bug!
Considering how easy Ubuntu and its derivatives make it, I'm sure it wouldn't be that entertaining of a video.
If it doesn't break down 3 times in 18 months, I'm doing better than I was with the last one!
Estarra the Eternal says, "Give Shevat the floor please."
Hmm. Well if you want to risk diving into the PC world again, take a look at Asus. I've been very happy with mine but its been three years so I cant speak to the quality of the company today.