To those who had to deal with my semi-rage tonight: let me tell you about my day.
I went out to run errands and narrowly avoided being involved in a fight in the metro station. (Metro, subway, whatever.) Peaced out of there and told the attendant what was up; the police were already en-route. In fact I watched them run in as I was leaving. Went to run said errands and ended up cutting my hand open on a piece of plastic. And then I fell on the ice and cut my other hand open.
I don't know who I made angry, but I don't want to do that again.
Flames erupt from the caldera below as a distorted voice echoes, "Their spirit must be broken if they wish to be reborn as true warriors."
I just lost it today and totally talked back at my direct superior at work, and it was out in front of everyone since this time she refused to speak in her office. I... said some extremely unflattering things, and by all accounts should likely have been terminated. The fact that I didn't seems to imply they can't afford to do it, and they know it. I'm still holding out some dim hope for things to improve, but I've a feeling this will just result in more maneuvering and talking behind my back in the long run. Ah, to be all too aware of why people who get promoted up to this spot so often quit/disappear.
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SylandraJoin Queue for Mafia GamesThe Last Mafia Game
"Oh yeah, you're a naughty mayor, aren't you? Misfile that Form MA631-D. Comptroller Shevat's got a nice gemstone disc for you, but yer gonna have to beg for it."
I was chosen as one of four people out of twenty to have my portfolio displayed to show how well the program I'm in is doing, based on a preliminary draft of my work. It's an honour, but now the pressure is on to finish and polish it to the nth degree since it will now be exposed to a bunch of important people and high-up networking opportunities. Rave for the honour, rant for more stress.
So I busted my behind getting my portfolio done a full two weeks earlier than it was supposed to be, only to be e-mailed after last week's meeting that they "actually did not get to" mine during the meeting. Where is that desk, for I should very much like to slam my head into it.
Tonight amidst the mountaintops And endless starless night Singing how the wind was lost Before an earthly flight
Apparently one of my plant's supervisors killed his wife the other night, with his bare hands. He got tired of her constant cheating and leaving him with their three kids while she stayed in hotels with guys she met at the bar. He's working 70+ hours a week..well, was.
Everiine said: The reason population is low isn't because there are too many orgs. It's because so many facets of the game are outright broken and protected by those who benefit from it being that way. An overabundance of gimmicks (including game-breaking ones), artifacts that destroy any concept of balance, blatant pay-to-win features, and an obsession with convenience that makes few things actually worthwhile all contribute to the game's sad decline.
Edit: Expanding on this a bit because it's what's on my mind right now.
Coming back from a pleasant trip to my usual environment made me realize just how much this place contributes to my depression. Entering my front door was like walking into a heavy fog. It didn't hit me fully until after I'd been home for a couple hours and was walking down the stairs to get a drink; very clearly, about halfway down the stairs, I was struck hard by the thought, "god, I hate this place."
Somehow, I need to find a way to get out of here. I need to do it on my own terms, and reach a place where I'm fully in charge of my own situation, for better or worse. With all the obstacles my mental health issues throw in my path, it's hard to believe I'm capable of accomplishing this. But I have to do it, because the more I realize just how oppressive this environment is, the less I am able to tolerate it.
I escaped a bad place and a bad situation once before, but it was into a safety net. If I escape this one, I won't have anything left to catch me if things go awry, because I'm not coming back here again once I leave. I refuse to.
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SylandraJoin Queue for Mafia GamesThe Last Mafia Game
Ugh. When people misunderstand you and the misunderstanding snowballs and suddenly people think you defend a position you don't. In the immortal words of Phoebus: Sometimes you have to say "later, haters," as opposed to "later, gators."
Also do not want to do anything I have to do today. At all. Nope.
"Oh yeah, you're a naughty mayor, aren't you? Misfile that Form MA631-D. Comptroller Shevat's got a nice gemstone disc for you, but yer gonna have to beg for it."
Some time ago, I went to the hospital (for physical symptoms, mind you) where a doctor just grabbed my boobs, made sonar tests of my neck, then sent me to the psych ward for evaluation.
Turns out I'm fine, just depressed (but I already knew that).
Then I moved back in with my mum for a few weeks because I was feeling extremely ill, stopped functioning and eating properly (and brought my boyfriend with me there). At her place my symptoms were getting worse and worse so I went to the nearest clinic where an awesome doctor ran the proper tests and x-rays to prescribe me medication against a sinus infection. This is what I had, an ugly sinusitis which lasted for over a month.
I'm doing much better now and I'm back home but still, wtf happened to me... that was a scary experience. In the meanwhile I cancelled my courses and took vacations from work for a time. It's been years and years since I've felt this sick.
I've had similar experiences, it can be scary and I'm still recovering from my fear of going to the doctor. I'm glad that you got an awesome doctor who helped diagnose the sinusitis and you're now on the road to recovery!
Avurekhos says, "Dylara's a PvP menace in my eyes, totes rekting face."
The eye of Dylara materialises in your hands and flings itself around your neck, tightening incomprehensibly until it is irremovable. Perfectly clean, this eyeball has been wrenched from the socket of Dylara. It has been animated by some unusual force, constantly looking around itself as if in shock or fear. It is bathed in a light covering of white flames that roll endlessly over its surface. A single chain of empyreal metal pierces either side of the eye, allowing it to be worn around the neck.
I got the HIV cause I was drugged and raped and there is this constant feeling of dirty that just lingers with me. I can't get rid of it.. Like... The feeling doesn't leave...
Caffeine exacerbates my paranoia, and I was stupid enough to have a cup of coffee on night when I was already having some minor auditory hallucinations. I am paying for my foolishness. "There is definitely something looking at you" is the order of the night, and I've made sure everything with eyes on it has been covered up or turned away from me. I even put my pencil sharpener on the floor where I can't see it because it was too shiny and the reflective surface was making me uncomfortable.
Sometimes, I'll go a little while where I feel like a normal person, and I wonder if maybe things are getting better. Then suddenly I'm asking a stupid cartoon butterfly what the hell it thinks it's looking at and throwing a shirt over it. Ugh...
So, apparently tendonitis feels like one's ankle is being torn. Who knew?
That was how my shoulder felt some days.
Avurekhos says, "Dylara's a PvP menace in my eyes, totes rekting face."
The eye of Dylara materialises in your hands and flings itself around your neck, tightening incomprehensibly until it is irremovable. Perfectly clean, this eyeball has been wrenched from the socket of Dylara. It has been animated by some unusual force, constantly looking around itself as if in shock or fear. It is bathed in a light covering of white flames that roll endlessly over its surface. A single chain of empyreal metal pierces either side of the eye, allowing it to be worn around the neck.
These forums. Not the people (necessarily) or the content (usually), but the actual forum layout. Maybe I've grown lazy, but it feels like I spend too much time clicking around to see which subforums have had new posts.
I got the HIV cause I was drugged and raped and there is this constant feeling of dirty that just lingers with me. I can't get rid of it.. Like... The feeling doesn't leave...
If you click on "Discussions" on the top left, you'll see the topics that were posted in the most recently, and they're coloured differently depending on if you've read the last post or not (subject to a few bugs).
I moved to DC to pursue a personal and career goal. I wanted to get out of Texas, to start over, to establish a career, and I wanted to do it all on my own. So I did it, and three years later I've accomplished everything I set out to do. I have a good job, I'm financially secure, I've been able to travel, and I moved into bustling DC. I worked my ass off and made it happen. I grew up a lot in the past three years, it's been an adventure to be sure.
So now what?
I don't really know where to go from here. Honestly, I love DC, but it hasn't been the city or the home I had hoped it was going to be. I've always maintained a small circle of very close friends, and making new friends as an adult is really freaking hard. Like, where do people meet eachother when they aren't obligated to share a space together like in school or at a job? It's been very isolating here in DC just having a bunch of acquaintances. I've always been independent, but never alone, but DC definitely comes with a feeling of being alone in a very crowded room.
The dating culture is a nightmare. An absolute nightmare. DC, itself, has no native culture because it's such a transient city, so you never really know what you are walking in to. There are so many available singles that it feels like you're just part of the gay rolodex. In an endless sea of gay men, there's always someone else to catch, and a real lack of interest in getting to know someone. I could go into what this means for gay culture, but let's just say it's predictable and frustrating that this culture is so surface level. It also makes the whole "making new friends" thing that much harder. Finding a date, or 12, is easy. I can throw a rock and hit 4 gay men who will go on a date. Finding one who is actually interesting enough to get to know and interested enough to get to know you (even if it's not romantically) is like finding a needle in the proverbial gaystack.
I'm probably not going to make it much further career wise here. Numerous reasons for that, not the least of which is management here only cares about the giggly bubbly happy cheerleader types. Not excited about the $3 branded sunglasses they just gave you? Do they make you fart glitter and vomit rainbows as your head spins in a circle as if possessed by the devil of fairies and all things wonderful? NO? WELL THEN YOU ARE NEGATIVE.
So that's where I am. Trying to figure out what's next. My lease is up in Octoberish, and all I know is I won't be in that apartment. Do I push through and try to make DC work? Do I move back to Dallas? Do I venture elsewhere, like Chicago, and go it alone? Do I go back to school? Do I try a new job? New company?
If life is good at one thing, it's throwing uncertainty your way.
You didn't come here seeking advice, and I'm certainly not one qualified to give it anyway. All I know is that you've proven yourself by being able to adapt and succeed no matter how stressful and cruddy the circumstances can be. No matter what you decide to do next in life, I'm confident that you'll do it very well.
I have been a particularly salty son of a bitch the past two days. I blame exhaustion, an increased amount of caffeine to keep up with my blow and go schedule, and various work-related and home-related stresses.
I have seriously stopped giving a flying fuck if I yell at, curse out, or am just a general dick to someone that has offered even the slightest provocation. Seriously, I started my work day by cursing out of one of my co-workers/superiors.
I dislike being angry all day, but it's also an unexpected rave. I kind of like being this way, a little bit.
Comments
== Professional Girl Gamer ==
Yes I play games
Yes I'm a girl
get over it
Tonight amidst the mountaintops
And endless starless night
Singing how the wind was lost
Before an earthly flight
Estarra the Eternal says, "Give Shevat the floor please."
The eye of Dylara materialises in your hands and flings itself around your neck, tightening incomprehensibly until it is irremovable.
Perfectly clean, this eyeball has been wrenched from the socket of Dylara. It has been animated by some unusual force, constantly looking around itself as if in shock or fear. It is bathed in a light covering of white flames that roll endlessly over its surface. A single chain of empyreal metal pierces either side of the eye, allowing it to be worn around the neck.
The eye of Dylara materialises in your hands and flings itself around your neck, tightening incomprehensibly until it is irremovable.
Perfectly clean, this eyeball has been wrenched from the socket of Dylara. It has been animated by some unusual force, constantly looking around itself as if in shock or fear. It is bathed in a light covering of white flames that roll endlessly over its surface. A single chain of empyreal metal pierces either side of the eye, allowing it to be worn around the neck.
If life is good at one thing, it's throwing uncertainty your way.
You didn't come here seeking advice, and I'm certainly not one qualified to give it anyway. All I know is that you've proven yourself by being able to adapt and succeed no matter how stressful and cruddy the circumstances can be. No matter what you decide to do next in life, I'm confident that you'll do it very well.